Four-letter Gill
"Wonky cock documentary" is AA Gill's term for Channel 4 shows like Embarrassing Bodies, Monkey discovered during the Sunday Times TV critic's interview with BBC's Storyville editor Nick Fraser at the Sheffield Doc/Fest. But when media journalist (and Guardian contributor) Kate Bulkley tried to defend the broadcaster for what she believed was legitimate public service broadcasting he proved a more-than-succinct debater. "Fuck off," was his only response. Monkey wasn't quite sure how Bulkley felt about this. Or indeed how this tallied with Gill's later assertion that television "at the moment is in the process of being very abusive to its audience. It used to be quizshows where people were respectable and say thank you and give them a cuddly toy. Now it's much more abusive." Unlike, say ... conference sessions chaired by Gill.
Not digging Giles
Gill wasn't a big fan of his friend Giles Coren's BBC2 show Giles and Sue Live the God Life, either. He used his session to outline his belief that the programme – in which the Times journalist and his sidekick Sue Perkins recreated the much-loved 1970s TV comedy – was phoney and falsely pretended there was a "frisson" between the two. But it also emerged that Coren didn't think much of the programme either. "I gave this a terrifically bad review and at 10pm I got a text from Giles saying 'You were right," Gill said. Not sure Coren was quite so honest in the pre-transmission publicity, but there you are.
Channel 4's word play
The word "heterozygosity" may be a mouthful but it seems to be the new buzzword for Channel 4's head of specialist factual, Ralph Lee. Apparently it refers to wildly different kinds of genes which come together and make the whole stronger. Or something like that. Lee used the term three times describe a TV landscape populated by such diverse offerings as Junior Doctor, The Only Way is Essex, Pineapple Dance Studios and Great British Bake Off." If we had a job called head of heterozygosity I would put my name forward," said Lee. Monkey's note to self: never, but never, agree to play Scrabble with Ralph Lee.
Factual fashion error
Monkey doesn't expect to see Pippa Middleton: A Year in the Life anytime soon on the BBC. Not necessarily because the access is unlikely to be granted in a month of Sundays. More because influential BBC commissioning executive Emma Willis isn't a fan, apparently. "I didn't like the dress. I liked the wedding dress, but not the bridesmaid's dress," she said of the Duchess of Cambridge's sister, apropos of not very much at a session on factual entertainment. So, Emma, we're assuming you're not among the 232,667 who "like" the Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society Facebook page.
Parenti guidance
"Go out there," chirruped the enthusiastic American digital artist and thinker, Michael Parenti, when asked about the financial constraints of documentary film-making. "Shoot it and if it's good the BBC will come knocking on your door." Monkey expected cheers and applause from the dazzled throng at a session about WikiLeaks and not what we actually got: the firm voice of Nick Fraser. "Unfortunately that's not the case," he said. As editor of the BBC's doc strand Storyville we think we'll trust the Beeb's man on that one.
Fi and the F-word
"Eek". That is the high-pitched sound Fi Glover gave when chairing a panel at which someone uttered the phrase "We didn't want to fuck about". "Sorry it's the BBC in me," she explained.
Rear guard action
Bruce Parry has his bum tanned. Yes, you read that right. And that is the news that is ringing out from Sheffield (an image of which Monkey cannot quite get out of its head) after the explorer and presenter of BBC2's Tribe disclosed that he has recently been applying fake tan to his posterior after reading a critique in the New York Times that "kept on going about what a white bum I had". After all the stuff you've been through for TV, Brucie – the projectile vomiting, for starters ("I have to drink about 4 litres ... but the taste is so disgusting it triggers my gag reflex...") – Monkey thought you'd have developed a thicker, more leathery, skin about what's written in newspapers. Apparently not.
Blades' sharp wit
Going to Sheffield isn't all about screenings and panel discussions with the UK's factual programming-making elite. Oh No. Sometimes you actually get to meet some locals. So Monkey would like to thank Bob, who hails from the Owlerton area of city and who informed us of the local name (or rather anagram) for the former Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock who led his side to relegation in 2007 is ... Colin Wanker. Well it made Monkey laugh anyway.
