Age: 34.

Appearance: Omnipresent.

Occupation: Actor, director, poet, musician, student, teacher, performance artist.

Did you say poet? It was in there somewhere, yes. Franco has written a poem to commemorate the second inauguration of President Barack Obama.

The guy from the Planet of the Apes movie wrote a poem? That's correct.

Wait, I think I see what's happened here: you're confusing James Franco, actor from the Spider-Man franchise and much-criticised one-time Oscar host, with Richard Blanco, the award-winning poet who was chosen by Obama to compose a poem for the swearing-in ceremony. I wish it were so, but it isn't. Franco also wrote an inaugural poem (and filmed himself reciting it), titled Obama in Asheville.

Where's Asheville? In North Carolina.

And what's Obama doing there? He's not there; Franco is.

Is this poem about Franco, or Obama? Good question. Here's an extract: "I was asked to write something/ For the inauguration of his second term, but what could I write?/ I was in Asheville, studying writing, but not the political sort/ I write confessions and characters, and that sort of thing ..."

Yeesh. "... I wrote my friend Frank about what I could do, but he was unresponsive./ I went to class and then the little burrito place where they know me ..."

Enough! What made him think he could write a poem in the first place? Franco is a bit of a polymath. When he's not acting, he's educating himself. He has a masters degree from Columbia, attends film and creative writing courses, is studying for a PhD at Yale while teaching a class at UCLA. He's also published a book of short stories, made short films and held gallery exhibitions.

Where does he find the time? He likes to keep busy. He even has a recurring role in the long-running daytime soap General Hospital.

Do say: "He acts, he paints, he writes and he thinks,/ He's a man of parts, but his poem still stinks."

Don't say: "Actually, Blanco's poem wasn't much good either."