Vera Drake
In theatres, the call for hot water and towels means an emergency nasal steaming is about to go down. But it wasn't always this way. In 50s England there were things that could not be spoken about. Could they be sung about? "Bloomin' Nora, Mrs Drake/ The rozzers will giva ya more than a caution/ When they find out you've been carryin' on/ With illegal backstreet abortions!" No, I guess not.
The Road
A man wearing six duffle coats pushes a trolley around a silent, post-apocalyptic wasteland, wondering whether to shoot his own son. There are no tap steps, only a silent, protracted dance with death. On celluloid, even the intermittent Warren Ellis soundtrack felt like a crass intrusion. Could the stark, post-everything story endure a few Abba numbers? Suggestions: SOS, Super Trouper, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (Back My Dead Wife).
The Diving Bell & The Butterfly
No! That's not the sequence! It goes kick ball change, heel turn, free spin, kick! What you're doing is… very laboriously blinking your left eye. What? Locked-in syndrome? So… No dancing? Or singing? Or acting? Hmm. Can we at least get a sexy costume?
Amour
Musicals can go to dark places. Who could deny that American History X Factor and We Need To Sing About Kevin are imaginary projects slathered in awesome sauce? But would jazz hands lift Michael Haneke's story of the elderly and suicidal? For 80-year-old stroke victims, the theatrical dictum to give it "tits and teeth" is a cruel irony.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A literal interpretation of Annie, Get Your Gun, in which Annie is a cross-dressing serial killer and her gun is a gasoline saw. The prospect of Leatherface played by an Italia Conti graduate is a true vision of horror. "You're a little pitchy, love – can he lose the human skin mask?" A good show, but it will cost you an arm and a leg. And your intestines. Libretto by Slipknot.
Blue
Released months before his death, Derek Jarman's intimate Blue comprises an unchanging blue screen and a complex soundscape exploring his experience of Aids. Plans are already afoot for the musical, with songs written and performed by Blue, plus that song "I'm Blue da ba dee da ba da" that people went nuts for in 1999. "It Blue Our Minds!" tourists will yell in vox pops. A game-changer, like switching from chess to Hungry Hippos.
The Human Centipede
There will be vocal projection issues in any chorus line that's undergone experimental mouth-to-anus stitching. Logistics aside, this film is an aural assault of screams and whimpers. Turning it into a musical makes as much sense as shaved bumrats making space hummus. Yet a YouTube search reveals Human Centipede: The Musical! already exists. Ignore everything on this page: no film is safe. Now, how many legwarmers does that centipede need?
American Psycho is at the Almeida Theatre, N1, to 25 Jan
