Age: 14 months.
Appearance: My First 50 Shades of Grey.
50 Shades of Grey? Is it a dirty book? Almost. After is a piece of erotic fan fiction, published in instalments online, about Harry Styles from One Direction.
Oh good, I've got a free afternoon. How many instalments are there? Currently, there are 294.
Wow. Just bulletpoint the story for me, will you? Well, Harry meets a girl named Tessa. In chapter 22, Tessa goes to the Vancouver Mall. In chapter 75, Harry describes himself as "a sexy rude naked guy". In the next chapter they almost have sex but end up watching a Channing Tatum film on a laptop instead. I stopped reading after that, but presumably the rest is just as gripping.
Who on earth wrote this stuff? A 25-year-old Texan called Anna Todd. She's a big One Direction fan and the proud owner of a new six-figure book deal.
There's going to be a book? And a film, apparently. And Todd had also just launched a new line of After-inspired jewellery. People can't get enough of dirty Harry.
Really? Fan fiction is big business. The chapters of After have been read a combined total of 800m times. And don't forget that 50 Shades of Grey started life as a piece of Twilight fan fiction, and as we know, everyone loves 50 Shades of Grey.
So this is how you get rich? Write in a stream of consciousness style about celebrities having sex with an impressionable young woman and wait for the money to roll in? It depends on which celebrities you pick. Stories about Harry Styles and Robert Pattinson, for example, will do well. Stories about Philip Schofield having sex with a dinosaur, possibly less so.
How does Harry Styles feel about this? There's a strong possibilty that he's not too happy about it. When the book comes out, the Harry character will have a different name. But don't worry. He'll still be a cheeky brown-haired Brit. Just a different one.
Like Bradley Walsh, for instance? Sure, why not.
Do say: "It could have been worse. It could have been about Justin Bieber."
Don't say: "Someone get Hollywood on the line. We're making an erotic Justin Bieber fan fiction movie."
