Name: Alibaba.

Age: 15.

Appearance: The logical end point of capitalism as we know it.

I’ve heard of Alibaba. It’s a bit like Amazon, isn’t it? In the sense that King Kong is a bit like the PG Tips chimp, yes. According to recent estimates, Alibaba is worth $100bn more than Amazon. Its enormity cannot be overstated.

And why are we talking about it now, exactly? Because Alibaba’s annual Singles’ Day sales event has just made a record £4.4bn in sales.

That’s a lot of money! Well done Alibaba! Just one thing, though. I don’t actually know what Singles’ Day is. It’s an act of pure consumerist genius, that’s what it is. Singles’ Day is a kind of anti-Valentine’s Day, practised in China, where single people buy gifts for themselves.

I love these ancient Chinese traditions. It’s not ancient. It first came to prominence five years ago.

Really? Yes. Alibaba more or less invented it.

So, wait, Alibaba makes billions of pounds by scheming up a nonsense holiday and convincing people that it’s really a thing? I told you it was genius, didn’t I? Alibaba estimates that it will send out 200m packages today alone.

That’s ridiculous. Even more ridiculous than that, Alibaba invited 500 journalists to its HQ to watch the revenue accumulate in real time.

And they went? Of course! Who would turn down the chance to watch a cross between an Apple product launch and the sight of Scrooge McDuck swimming around in a roomful of gold coins?

Is that the secret to Alibaba’s success? Making up nonsense events that capitalise on selfishness? Well, there’s that and the fact that Alibaba CEO (and China’s richest man) Jack Ma is a genuine celebrity in his own right.

Like Steve Jobs? If Steve Jobs dressed up in novelty leather punk gear, performed karaoke in front of thousands of screaming fans and officiated mass weddings for his employees, then yes.

But what can I buy on Alibaba? Pretty much everything, although of late it’s become notorious for its life-sized resin statue of a naked and obese Arnold Schwarzenegger – a snip at £10,000.

I feel like I can relate to Alibaba. I have an Etsy store that sells embroidered Doctor Who fan art. You poor, sweet deluded fool.

Do say: “Look out Amazon!”

Don’t say: “I wish I was single. I could really use one of those naked Schwarzenegger statues”.