My friend’s 12-year-old son has recently discovered online pornography, and she’s struggling to find advice on how to support him. To my mind, she is doing everything right – being positive and supportive, and not disciplining him overly. She’s asked him if he has any questions about what he’s seen, and explained the harmful side of pornography as well as the truth behind how the images are produced. She’s also limited access to his phone and the family iPad and keeps devices downstairs at night. But she can’t monitor him 24 hours a day, and she’s concerned about the impact the images could have on him emotionally – and that he might accidentally stray into something extreme. She’s looking into installing protective software but doubts how effective this will be.
Do you have any advice on software to prevent him accessing pornography, or suggestions on forums or organisations she could go to for advice? How should she support him emotionally? She doesn’t want to suppress his developing sexuality or make him feel ashamed, but does need him to be safe and supported.
Parental controls come free from most broadband providers and can be helpful for very young children. I took them off our home computers because they don’t allow children to learn how to navigate the internet safely – and children won’t always be on their “safe” computer at home. Far better to have regular conversations about these things and make sure screens are used in view, and not hidden away.
I think your friend has done lots of the right things, not least in refusing to freak out. Pornography is an emotive subject, but overreacting isn’t going to help; if he is humiliated, or becomes scared of her, it won’t stop him watching it, but it will stop him talking about it.
I contacted Ann Horne, a child and adolescent psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk) and John Carr, secretary of the Children’s Charities’ Coalition on Internet Safety. Carr also writes a blog on technology, with an emphasis on security and safety. Apart from the standard parental controls, your friend can go down the software-blocking route. Carr said that most well-known filtering packages are very good: “The big-brand names in the UK are McAfee, Norton, Net Nanny, Kaspersky and Symantec.”
Horne made a good point: where are the men in this scenario? It could be that you omitted to mention them, but a 12-year-old boy may not be comfortable talking about this to his mum. And, if he’s uncomfortable talking to his dad, she wondered if there is a trusted male friend or family member whom he would feel able to chat to. “Usually boys of that age are discovering their sexuality and what excites and what shocks them,” she said. The issue with internet pornography is that “it’s not like flicking through Playboy – the visual impact can be shocking: it hits you, rather than you sneaking up on it.”
Is your friend’s son generally happy, with a good set of friends? Or is he a loner seeking out pornography that is shocking and traumatising? This can help to build a picture, so that you can judge whether his actions warrant a pastoral conversation or something more. If a teen shuts himself away and accesses extreme pornography, that would hint at something darker going on; then you would be looking at outside involvement from a child psychologist or therapist.
Restricting devices may be helpful but simply taking his away wouldn’t really work (although it’s a popular choice), and I would argue it may make things worse if the child is troubled, because he will find other ways to get what he wants.
Ultimately what’s important is to establish that he has someone calm and non-judgmental to go to if he’s worried about what he’s seen; that he knows how to report something; that he’s aware of scams (which can ask teenagers for money “to stop us telling your parents you’ve accessed pornography”); and that he understands what is legal and what isn’t. And, of course, that he understands what constitutes a normal, consensual relationship. There’s a really great video on Childline (Porn: Fantasy vs Reality), which does that job, and should be the first port of call for any teenager or parent.
For further reading, go to blogs.lse.ac.uk/parenting4 digitalfuture; internetmatters.org/hub/expert-opinion/; report.iwf.org.uk/en
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