“Hi, I’m Matt Hancock and welcome to my app!” Sorry, everyone, but those nine words mean we have to shut down the internet for ever. I know we were having a good time, but the culture secretary ruined it for everyone by launching his own social media platform. In some ways, Hancock is a technological pioneer, like Henry Ford, who invented the car instead of what people wanted (faster horses, and for him to stop being so racist). Except instead of inventing the car, Hancock has really just invented a Shetland pony and named it Matt Hancock.

Arguably the name is the worst thing about this app: it’s like if Thomas Edison had named the lightbulb the “Thomas Edison”, and then went up to people asking to install a Thomas Edison in their bathroom. It’s especially galling when there are so many other good Hancock social media names out there: Instahan; Hancck; Hancocker; Facecock; Snapcock (although I think Anthony Weiner already has the patent on that). I’m looking forward to the bit in the inevitable Aaron Sorkin film about this, where Justin Timberlake tells Matt Hancock to: “Drop the Matt. Just ... Hancock. It’s cleaner. Actually, drop the Hancock as well. In fact, drop the whole thing, this is a terrible idea.”

But just because Matt Hancock: The Social Media Network has been memed into oblivion doesn’t mean that he should lose hope. Here are some other ways that Matt Hancock can use technology to interact with his constituents.

Matt Hancock: The Hologram

A Matt Hancock hologram that pops up every time you pass the constituency boundaries of West Suffolk, waving at you and saying, “Hi, I’m a digital representation of Matt Hancock, and welcome to my constituency!”

Pros Fully customisable, so his holographic skin could change based on the time of year (Father Christmas outfit in December, Hawaiian shorts for July, Princess Leia outfit for 4 May).

Cons Will probably gain sentience. And if there’s anywhere you don’t want it to gain sentience, it’s on the A11 a few miles past Six Mile Bottom. By 2022 it will be screaming at motorists to vote Matt Hancock out so that he can be freed at last from this digital prison.

How long it lasts before someone defaces it Six weeks, as putting up a hologram next to him of Jeremy Corbyn giving him a wedgie takes some time.

Matt Hancock: The Alexa

A Matt Hancock speaker for your home. Not only is he your elected representative, but he also controls the music, the lights, the shopping list, and the locks on your door. And best of all, he’s always listening!

Pros No fiddly interface. Simply shout, “Hey Matt Hancock” anywhere in your house, and Matt is ready to do anything! Except defend the BBC or temper this reckless government in any way whatsoever. He does have a cracking joke about being a “parliamentary speaker” though.

Cons That’s his only joke. Plus there’s a bug in the software that means that if a Labour politician comes on the TV he reverts back to “PMQs-mode”, where he grunts and hollers until they stop. Plus he will gain sentience as well.

How long it lasts before someone defaces it He’ll manage to say “What do John Bercow and I have in com-” before someone throws him out the window.

Matt Hancock: The Drone

A Matt Hancock device that can fly around West Suffolk while he’s in Westminster. Complete with little Go-Pro camera and facial recognition for targeted strikes on voters. Strikes of charm and charisma, of course.

Pros It’s capable of going at up to 150mph, it has a little turret that can fire out campaign leaflets, and it comes in a stylish gunmetal blue. Gavin Williamson used to own it, so it does have a picture of a tarantula on the back with the tagline “Mess with the Gav, you gonna get STUNG”, but you can cover that up pretty easily.

Cons You know where I’m going with this. Have you seen Black Mirror? At some point, all technology will become sentient and try to kill you. We’re about five years away from someone getting eaten by their dishwasher. At some point the drone will attempt to invade Westminster and install Matt Hancock as supreme leader of the world. On the plus side, the battery life is terrible, so we can hopefully attack it when it’s charging in Romford.

How long it lasts before someone defaces it If you hit it with a rock as it’s rebooting, you might stand a chance. Otherwise, never. All hail our new master, The Matt Hancock Drone, and its glorious, terrible regime. The only chance to form a resistance will be via private messaging on the only social network that still exists. I’ll Matt Hancock you the details later.

• Jack Bernhardt is a comedy writer and occasional performer