Henry Cavill is Superman no more, and that probably isn’t such a bad thing. The story behind his departure – whether he jumped or whether he was pushed – is bound to come out in good time, but for now please join me in not mourning the end of his mute, grumpy, murderous emo nightclub bouncer tenure.
Instead, let’s look to the future. Superman is bound to be recast, because this is 2018 and the notion of dormant intellectual property has long since ceased to exist, so the best we can do is lazily speculate who’ll come next. Fortunately for all of you, I have some suggestions.
Ryan Gosling
You’d imagine that Ryan Gosling has to be near the top of most Superman wish lists. He’s tall, he’s smooth and – as Only God Forgives proved – he can do quite a lot with barely any dialogue if that’s the route Warner Bros still want. However, two things stand in his way. First, Gosling’s best performances tend to have a slight ironic remove, which wouldn’t work if he’s playing a pure-hearted hero. And, second, why the hell would he want to play Superman?
Armie Hammer
Perhaps instead Warner Bros will revisit the DC logbooks and hire Armie Hammer, the man who was scheduled to play Batman in George Miller’s aborted 2009 Justice League movie. He’d be a terrific Superman, too. In 2012’s Mirror Mirror, he demonstrated a level of bovine gormlessness that could easily be recalibrated into Superman’s iron-clad sincerity – except for a couple of things. First, Hammer used Call Me By Your Name to pivot away from dumb blockbusters. And second, why the hell would he want to play Superman?
Michael B Jordan
Apparently, Jordan has emerged as the frontrunner to take over from Cavill, and for good reason. He’s probably the most respected actor to have one foot firmly in superhero territory. In Black Panther, he achieved the impossible by helping to create a memorable Marvel villain. In Chronicle he all but played Superman, and acquitted himself brilliantly. Sure, his casting would be booed by all the people who wet their knickers over The Last Jedi, but it would be an inspired choice. There’s still one issue here, though: why the hell would he want to play Superman?
Miles Teller
Now, bear with me. Think of Miles Teller and there’s a good chance that you still think of the Esquire feature that repeatedly and convincingly laid out the argument that he was an unstoppable dick. But what if a healthy dose of dickishness is just what Superman needed? Superman’s biggest problem is his intense blandness. His powers are unbeatable, his intentions never less than utterly pure. He’s a drag to play and a drag to watch. But what if he was shot through with some of Teller’s swaggering, slightly unearned confidence? What if there was a Superman movie about Superman letting his Supermanniness go to his head and acting like a bit of a knob? Wouldn’t Miles Teller be good for that?
Nicolas Cage
Again, Cage came close to playing Superman before, up to the point of performing a costume test for Tim Burton’s aborted Superman Lives. But that was old Nicolas Cage. That Nicolas Cage made good creative choices. That Nicolas Cage didn’t need the money. The Nicolas Cage we have now, though, makes terrible choices and desperately needs the money, which makes him a compelling choice for Superman. Because the next Superman movie won’t be any good. We know that and Cage knows that, but he’ll take the job anyway because he blew all his money on castles and dinosaur skulls back in the day. And you’d watch a Nicolas Cage Superman film. Of course you’d watch it.
Jared Leto
Anyone? Hello? No? Oh fine, suit yourselves.
Nobody
Here’s a good idea – let’s just stop making Superman films. Let’s just come to the agreement that Christopher Reeve was the best Superman, even though two and a half of his four films stank, and draw a line under the whole sorry thing. Let’s just agree that, while the character worked in the more innocent days of the 20th century, Superman has no place in an age as cynical as this. Anyone making a Superman film now has two choices: compromise the character by making him darker, or stay true to the character and make an anachronism. That’s a lose-lose decision. Wouldn’t it be better if they just stopped? Wouldn’t it? Imagine how happy we’d all be if they stopped. But they won’t stop, will they, which is why …
A cabbage on a stick
There. That’s who should play Superman next. A cabbage on a stick. “You’ll believe a cabbage on a stick can fly” the posters will scream, and it’ll still be the best Superman film since the 70s.
