The scene in which we meet Aladdin

[Slow-motion chase through a market scene. Aladdin (Mena Massoud, overdubbed by Jason Statham) is sprinting away from the police. He hops over an inexplicable Arabian market eel stand, skids through the legs of a camel dressed like a Pearly King, hides behind the tapered base of an ogee arch and violently punches a policeman in the face, blood spraying in an arc in perfect, half-speed 3D]

Aladdin (Statham, V/O): Yeah, that’s me. Laddy. Thing about living on the streets is you have to be smart. And these coppers …

[Ridiculously violent sequence where he absolutely destroys like five police officers in a row, like their nose bones are just cracking everywhere]

Aladdin: Heh, well. Let’s just say: “They’re one Kray short of an assault charge.”

[Segues into Arabian Nights, somehow]

The scene in which Jafar the villain visits the cave of wonders

[Jafar (Marwan Kenzari) joins together two magical halves of a sacred artefact – a shattered pool cue made of gold – which magically makes the tiger-headed Cave of Wonders (Danny Dyer) appear]

Cave of Wonders: Oi! No dickheads.

Jafar: Sacred Cave of Wonders, listen to my plea …

Cave of Wonders: Are those trainers?

Jafar: [Looking down at feet] Th, the website said smart-casual.

Cave of Wonders: You’re not coming in in Pumas, mate. Jog on.

Jafar: But you just let those two lads in jogging bottoms in?

Cave of Wonders: Listen, sunshine …

Lago: Our mates are all in there!

Cave of Wonders: You can shut your trap an’ all. Parrot twat!

Jafar: You can’t talk to him like that!

Cave of Wonders: I’m counting to three.

Jafar: We simply seek the lamp hidden within …

Cave of Wonders: One.

Jafar: We have travelled for many years, in search of …

Cave of Wonders: Two.

Jafar: What if we gave you money? We have many pieces of gold …

Cave of Wonders: I’ve got gold, you prat! My belly’s full of it!

Jafar: Simply state your terms, Cave of Wonders, and I shall …

Cave of Wonders: Bring me a diamond in the rough, and you and your feathery little slag mate can come in me. Now …

[The Cave of Wonders starts to melt into the desert sand]

Cave of Wonders (distantly): … Piss off!

The scene in which Aladdin meets the Genie

[After getting past the Cave of Wonders’ strict door policy in a pair of dark jeans and loafers, Aladdin delves deep inside, ignoring the gold ingots and holdalls full of cash to instead find the magic lamp. After rubbing it on the sleeve of his shirt, Genie (Will Smith, dubbed by Ray Winstone) pops out and grants him three wishes]

Aladdin: You’re gonna grant me any three wishes I want, right?

Genie: Yeah, well. With provisos.

Aladdin: Like?

Genie: Rule #1: I can’t kill anyone, so no shooters. Rule #2: I can’t make anyone fall in love with you, so you’ll have to charm the tarts yourself. And Rule #3: I can’t bring anyone back from the old brown bread.

The scene in which Aladdin falls in love

[Aladdin, begging on the balcony in the twilight, is trying to convince Jasmin (Naomi Scott, overdubbed by Alan Ford) that he is a regal prince rather than a street rat]

Aladdin: I’m the geezer, aren’t I? I’m the big guv’nor of the palace.

Jasmin: Are you bloody sure I don’t know you, son?

Statham: N… nah. No.

Jasmin: Because if you’re winding me up, I’ll kick your tossing nut in!

Aladdin: It’s sweet, Jasmin. It’s sweet as.

[They kiss, inexplicably]

Aladdin: Yeah, that was all right.

The scene in which Aladdin falls

[Abu the monkey (Vinnie Jones) slams the head of a palace guard into the door of a magic carpet, somehow. Aladdin ends up in prison and the ensuing scene is just way more harrowing than it needs to be, and is inexplicably soundtracked by Massive Attack’s Unfinished Symphony]

The scene in which the Genie becomes free

[After much soul searching – and a climactic caper where Aladdin steals a briefcase full of jewels by switching it for a dummy case full of explosives, which Jafar, driving off in a Transit van thinking he’s victorious, opens briefly, stares inside, says: “Oh, fu …” then explodes into the dark desert sky – Aladdin decides to use his final wish to free his Genie]

Aladdin (growling): Genie … you’re free!

Genie: Cor, really?

Aladdin: Yeah.

Genie Really?

Aladdin: Really. Now get out of here, you soppy bollocks! [They manfully embrace]

Genie (single tear): Yeah, fanks.

[Duet of A Whole New World – Jason Statham singing opposite himself – plays over the rolling credits. Fin]