I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but happiness is in sharp decline. Many people blame technology for our woes, and it’s not hard to see why. The internet is nothing but deranged screeching and fascist memes sitting atop a plateau of moldering desperation masquerading as ironic meaninglessness. No one has smiled in real life since 2011. But wait! Silicon Valley is waking up to the negative effect its products can have on us, and like the good Samaritans they are, they’re unveiling a whole new range of products aimed at making us feel good about ourselves. Here is an exclusive look at just a few of the cool gizmos and rad gadgets due to be unveiled at next year’s CES Consumer Electronics Show and featured in news reports, and then in shops, and then in your house before you even know it.

Dig Deep®

Everyone knows workouts are great for your body, but the narcissistic self-involvement required to carve out a ripped physique – all that pumping iron in front of a gymnasium mirror – can leave you feeling strangely hollow inside. Until now! Now you can build muscle and a sense of altruism with Dig Deep®, the VR fitness product that helps you build a ripped new body while making you feel like a saint!

Simply pop on the VR headset and bam – you’re instantly transported to an impoverished African village in dire need of fresh drinking water. See and hear photorealistic locals begging you for help! Then simply grab the supplied motion-sensitive Sweat Shovel®, begin to perform repetitive digging motions, and you’ll start excavating a well in real time! Feel the burn as you burrow metres underground – all the way down to the water table. Hear ecstatic local children chanting your name as you finally hit fresh H2O! You’ll be a hero – and you’ll have earned yourself a rock-hard core to boot!

It’s just like volunteering for a backbreaking humanitarian project – minus the bothersome malaria jabs and sunstroke.

Crudstergram®

Photo-based social media apps are all very well, but who wants to be perpetually reminded that absolutely everyone else in the world is younger, sexier, more adventurous and happier than you are, as you stare at them in gutless wonder like a 56-year-old wino gazing through the window of a restaurant in which the Kardashians sip champagne from high-heeled diamond shoes? Or a dying dog glancing at a chandelier … whichever analogy best matches the continuous negative roaring in your head, which has been there so long you scarcely notice it any more.

But listen. Listen.

Yes.

There it is.

Louder than the universe, deeper than the sea.

Well fuck that. Use Crudstergram.

Crudstergram turns the aspirational world of photo-sharing on its head by filtering your usual feed through a state-of-the-art AI-based machine-learning algorithmic algorithm that automatically fattens faces, adds blemishes, removes beautifying filters and applies a visual stink to all that it surveys. And that’s not all! It also parses messages, replacing smug sentiments and upbeat emoji with wails of despair and anguished cries for help. Scroll through an endless blur of bite-sized bulletins from people looking their worst and enduring hilarious misery – and feel your own self-worth swell by comparison until that internal screaming goes away. Or at least pops down to the shops for a bit.

Delete all other apps today. Raze them from the screen – from your life – and replace them with Crudstergram. Now. Do it. Do it. Do it now. Do it. Now. NOW! DO IT NOW!

Peter Pooper® – Your Toilet Pal

Real talk: everyone enjoys defecating more than they let on. And yet still, in 2019, it’s an act surrounded with shame and secrecy. Until today! Now you can share the wonder of shitting with the world’s most intelligent and obsequious talking smart toilet! Enter the bathroom and Peter Pooper automatically lifts his lid, imploring you to take a seat. As you defecate into his mouth he’ll analyse your bowel movement, offering dietary advice while also complimenting you on its aroma, taste and texture like a judge on a cookery show. No need for self-wiping either – this isn’t the Middle Ages for Christ’s sake. Peter Pooper® will clean and polish your dainty little bum button with his rubberized Motor Tongue® before flushing away your chestnut soil with a satisfied swallowing noise while tears of gratitude glisten in his eyes. Did we mention his eyes? He has eyes. Eyes only for you. And as you leave the room he’ll scream that he’s in love with you and threaten to kill himself if you so much as think of moving house.

• Black Mirror season 5 launches on Netflix on 5 June.