Like me, you probably hated Avengers: Endgame because it contained too many components that you ideologically oppose. Like women, for instance. And homosexuality. And feelings. And women. God, women, yuck.
So it gives me enormous relief to inform you that someone has fixed Avengers: Endgame for good. An anonymous internet user has re-edited Endgame and posted it to torrent sites under the new – and, if anything, catchier – title Avengers Endgame De-Feminized Edit AKA Anti-Cheese-Cut.
The new film itself is quite hard to come by, but luckily the user detailed most of the major changes in a note. The headline takeaway is that it’s “Endgame, but shorter, no feminism, no gay shit, less boring filler, less sniffing its own farts, no constant quips and other small changes”.
Digging in a little, the user goes on to state that the edit contains “absolutely no Brie Larson” and “less kitchen psychology”. The scene of Hawkeye training his daughter has been removed, because “young women should learn skills to become good wives and mothers”. Tony Stark no longer asks “his wife’s permission to save the universe”. There are much fewer women in the final battle, since “they should be at home taking care of their kids”. And, most importantly, the Ancient One – Sorcerer Supreme, leader of the Masters of the Mystic Arts, centuries-long unconquerable protector of Earth – now just hands the time stone over because she “gets scared of Hulk” and the fact that she didn’t immediately do this in the original was “a giant plothole”. Oh, and Black Panther isn’t in it as much for some reason. Not sure why, really.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m thrilled that this user has gone to the trouble of improving Endgame like this. He (or she, I’m not sexist) has seen how dangerously underserved straight white men are in society, and filled the void by giving us exactly what we want to watch; a load of other straight white men gruffly rejecting anything that doesn’t conform to our brittle, terrified worldviews. His (or her, but probably his) edit has turned Avengers: Endgame into the film that we always wanted it to be. That film, thank heavens, is The Expendables 3.
Even better, it looks like this might be part of a trend. Last year a different user gave us The Last Jedi: De-Feminized Fanedit (AKA The Chauvinist Cut), a 46-minute bad-fan romp where Leia “never scolds, questions or demotes Poe”, Kylo Ren is generally “more badass”, Rose Tico (referred to here as “Asian chick”) doesn’t have as many lines and “is never formally introduced”, and Captain Phasma is killed much more quickly because “women are naturally weaker than men”.
This is absolutely how we should be watching films now. The problem with Hollywood movies is that they’re all made by experts, and we live in post-expert times. Why can’t we just hack out all the parts of a film that we don’t like? After all, this is exactly how Donald Trump chooses to watch movies. If he can manage to cut the fat out of Bloodsport – a film that is basically one long unbroken grunt – then we should be able to do the same to any films stupid enough to contain any female characters that aren’t simply two-dimensional submissive sexbots.
The question now is which film will be defeminised next. My hope is that it’s Captain Marvel, a film that was rendered unwatchable by its insistence on a) having a female lead, b) refusing to include any shots of the lead sucking her fingers in just her bra and c) letting the lead fight people instead of just cleaning her house because she knew that her husband would get angry if he came home and just found her sitting around and getting fat. Perhaps some internet hero is working on it as we speak. Perhaps soon we will be treated to his (or her) 15-minute version of Captain Marvel, where Jude Law and Samuel L Jackson just endlessly stare into each other’s eyes before they start kissing. Fighting! I meant fighting. Nothing to see here. Anyway, great chat. See you on the straight pride march.
