Name: Spielberg After Dark.
Age: Coming soon.
Appearance: Can’t tell you ’til dusk.
How come? The clue is in the title. It’s Steven Spielberg … after dark.
Is this a film? No, it’s Spielberg’s new TV series. A TV series you can only watch … after dark.
But I don’t want to watch it after dark. I want to watch it on the train. Tough.
I don’t understand. Spielberg After Dark is a new horror series, headlining a new mobile-only streaming platform called Quibi. Episodes can only be unlocked once your phone has registered that the sun has set.
Why? Because only by watching Spielberg After Dark after dark will you experience the full effect of the show.
Right, now I get it. A horror series that you can only watch in total darkness. Well, not total darkness, because electric lights exist now, remember.
So it is a horror series that you can watch in the brightest surroundings imaginable? Yes, but only if the sun has set outside.
I still don’t see the point. I don’t expect you to. This is cutting edge. Spielberg After Dark has untapped a brand-new way of watching TV. This might only be the start.
How so? Well, if the technology exists to prevent you from watching something until a certain time of day, think of the potential. Maybe the next big show after Spielberg After Dark will be Spielberg First Thing in the Morning.
Or Spielberg on a Thursday Lunchtime. Why not go even further? Why not have a show that can’t be watched until you’re at a specific location? Spielberg in Gloucestershire, maybe.
Or a show that can’t be watched until your phone is upside down! That’s it, now you’re thinking like a tech innovator.
Or a show that can’t be watched until you’re driving at 80mph! Well, no, that’s a terrible idea. That’s the most dangerous thing I’ve ever heard.
But what if it was called Spielberg Tries to Crash Your Car? Now that’s more like it. I think we might have discovered a gamechanger here.
Great! So will you be watching Spielberg After Dark? Are you kidding? Absolutely not. A show that can only be watched at a specific time of day? What an absolute pain in the bum.
Do say: “The future of TV is shows that you can only watch at a certain time.”
Don’t say: “Which is actually also the past of TV, come to think of it.”
