Hi Naaman. Perhaps you can help me. I hear that it’s apparently really important that I trademark, copyright and patent my Instagram photos or Facebook might steal them? Is this true???

Hi Steph. Before I say any more, I want to make it clear: I do not give you or any entities associated with you permission to use my pictures, information, messages or posts, both past and future, under UC 1-308- 1 1 308-103 and the Rome Statute.

Pinky swear I won’t do that. But actually, what are you talking about? Did you accidentally swallow a legal dictionary?

No I’m just doing my bit to share the latest Instagram phenomenon and protect my precious photos.

From actor Julia Roberts, to musician Usher and even the US energy secretary, Rick Perry, the same word salad has been doing the rounds lately.

The copy-pasted image claims Instagram is introducing “new rules” where they can steal your photos, reveal your messages and more – unless you don’t post the exact same message.

“It costs nothing for a simple copy paste, better safe than sorry,” it says.

But this is clearly a hoax. Right?

Oh yeah. If the incoherent grammar, varying font sizes, and reference to arcane laws didn’t tip you off, then it may be familiar from the fact it’s been around since the early 2010s.

In fact, this latest post is based on a 2016 Facebook post that thousands of people shared – that was itself based on posts from 2012. It’s basically word for word. You can see the word Instagram has been poorly stretched over the word Facebook. Come on!

It’s not clear why it’s doing the rounds again, but now it’s become an ironic meme in itself, with new iterations (like one from the Daily Show’s Trevor Noah) clearly poking fun at it. One Direction’s Niall Horan shared it, but then clarified in the comments, “it’s absolutely not [serious] Hahahahah”, before deleting it.

What even is the Rome Statute?

It’s the international treaty that founded the International Criminal Court. It established that the ICC has jurisdiction over, among other things, genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes.

I mean, I know sharing smoothie pics and boomerangs of champagne glasses clinking should be a crime, but …

But yes, that seems harsh. Don’t worry though, as the Guardian’s previous reporting on this pointed out, it has no legal effect. You can not be tried in the Hague by Instagram.

The law “UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103” also does not exist. In the US, the UCC is the Uniform Commercial Code, which governs sales contracts and commercial transactions. But that actual string of numbers is nonsense, and nothing else in the code would help you override the existing terms of service you signed up to.

In all seriousness though, don’t social media accounts technically already have your permission to use, modify, redistribute your images etc. simply because they need it in order to like, work? Instagram is literally an image sharing platform.

Yes, things the post purports to block, like “permission to use my pictures”, are essentially all that Instagram does.

There is a kernel of truth to the whole thing. These terms of service frequently change with no warning, or reach into parts of your data you wouldn’t expect, and people are right to be worried and try ways of improving their digital rights.

But in a nutshell, legally, the post has no effect. If you think Instagram’s terms go too far, you must reject the terms of service and not use the app.

Instagram’s current terms of service grant it an automatic licence to use anything you post. This is “non-exclusive, fully paid and royalty-free, transferable, sub-licensable [and] worldwide”. This means it can sell the right to use your photo to a third-party, without your permission and without paying you.

And they can change these terms and conditions when they want – and if you disagree, all you can do is delete your account. This is actually quite standard across a range of companies, and not just social media.

Haven’t we been internetting for long enough now that we don’t believe badly photoshopped screenshots over, like, actual privacy policy updates from companies that get emailed to people by law? Is this a boomer thing? It’s definitely a boomer thing, right?

It’s the most delightfully boomer thing. Older people are more likely to share fake news, studies have shown. And the format of shareable pictures with grainy photoshop is a classic of the genre.

Former West Wing actor Rob Lowe was in fact publicly roasted by his more internet-literate sons for posting it. “Oh god,” said Johnny Lowe. “You literally have a son who went to law school. @matthewwardlowe come get him”.

And without a doubt, a very similar thing will be back. I can’t wait.