Mr Bingo advent calendar
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … a gun pointing at my head. Nudey, scratchy fun from the man who’ll send you a hate-filled postcard for a fee. £44, shop.mr.bingo
Joy Division Christmas tree decorations
Salford’s postpunk legends rendered in the medium of painted pegs. The Peter Hook one is his double. £28, etsy.com
The Nine Lives of Cindy Sherman commemorative plate
The royals need to up their game. Art’s great shapeshifter is moving in with this pricey limited-edition ceramic. £450, npgshop.org.uk
Dolly Parton Christmas fairy
You will always love this golden-winged tree-topping version of the country legend – it won’t just be a nine-to-five thing. £4.50, etsy.com
Glenn Close colouring book
Fans still gutted that she lost out to Olivia Colman in the Oscars can console themselves with this 38-page extravaganza. £8, amazon.co.uk
Mini synths and samplers
Start a band in your pocket with Teenage Engineering’s phone-sized synths and samplers boasting studio quality sound. From £49, teenage.engineering
Salvador Dalí moustache tea towel
Some of the most spectacular moustaches ever to grace the surrealist’s face, along with the words: “I am not strange. I am just not normal.” £11.50, presentindicative.com
No Man Is An Island EU oven gloves
Never send to know for whom the oven timer tolls. Let John Donne’s famous lines (including “Europe is the less”) toll for thy every bake instead. £20, radicalteatowel.com
Olafur Eliasson lamp
Bringing sustainable, accessible light to the world, the Little Sun Diamond is a solar-powered LED lamp, part of the Scandinavian artist’s Little Sun project. £35, shop.tate.org.uk
Darth Vader plant pot
Your flowers are weak, old man! And this concrete planter, decorated with the mask of the raspy-voiced sabre-wielder, will fix them. £8, etsy.com
Basquiat skateboards
The ultimate street artist gets back to the hood with these decks covered in works that include Irony of a Negro Policeman. From €550, theskateroom.com
Thanos infinity gauntlet bottle-opener
Had a busy day destroying worlds? Crack open a beer with this opener built into the jewelled gloves of the Avengers baddie. £12.89, etsy.com
Hell is Other People doormat
What better way to welcome visitors than a doormat bearing Jean-Paul Sartre’s famous quote? £20, bahhumbug.shop
David Shrigley greetings cards
“Sorry I fell asleep whilst you were talking,” reads one. Another asks: “What does the future hold?” The answer is arthritis. £2.65 each, brainboxcandy.com
Guerrilla Girls hankie
A pink cotton hankie emblazoned with a rebuke to women-shunning art collectors. This is something you’ll want to frame rather than honk your nose in. £22.50, shop.tate.org.uk
Dreams of Europe diary
Bonjour! Ciao! Hola! Redstone’s 2020 diary has lovely artwork and extracts on the theme of the great continent. £16.95, theredstoneshop.com
Barbara Kruger’s Kiss stool
Finished in the US conceptual artist’s signature black, white and red, this is just what your backside has always wanted. £400, ica.art
The Hard Tomorrow
Graphic novelist Eleanor Davis’s acclaimed book about a health worker and her pothead husband trying to conceive in a world tottering towards collapse. £18.99, waterstones.com
Fleabag badge
Dialogue from the devastating closing scene, when the hot priest does a runner. “I love you,” she says. “It’ll pass,” he replies. £4.50, etsy.com
Joker socks
Batman’s most dastardly supervillain, grinning in surprisingly sharp detail all the way round your ankles. £11.95 fruugo.co.uk
Bohemian Rhapsody mini drumkit
Superbly detailed and made from solid wood, this tribute to Queen’s Roger Taylor is a crazy little thing called drums. £60, etsy.com
Parr and Putin flip-flops
Fun footwear based on photographer Martin Parr’s Autoportrait shot, showing himself and the Russian president striking martial arts poses. £15, npgshop.org.uk
Linder tablecloth
The perfect Christmas dinner icebreaker: a photomontage featuring a teenage hunk, lots of flesh and fruit bowls, by Liverpudlian artist Linder. £120, houseofvoltaire.org
Nick Cave plush doll
“This is not a toy,” reads the advice with this official piece of merch, featuring a shakey drawing of the doomy crooner bare-naked. £20, storenickcave.com
Rembrandt’s The Night Watch trainers
It has survived attacks by acid and butter knife. Now it’s inspired a trainer, with scenes from the great painting on its insoles and its colours outside. €134.95, rijksmuseumshop.nl
The NME Music Quiz Book
With 1,000 questions spanning all 66 years of the music mag, this bumper quizathon tackles everything from hits to highly dubious behaviour. £12.99, laurenceking.com
Lady Artists T-shirt
Alex Sickling portrays nine great talents, from Barbara Hepworth to Frida Kahlo, in the style of their work, including a house-faced Rachel Whiteread. £20, etsy.com
William Blake Ancient of Days hoodie
Urizen, the bearded old man from Blake’s wild imaginings, separates light from dark, right there on your chest. £50, shop.tate.org.uk
Keith Haring chess set
Based on the artist’s most beloved works, this has barking dog pawns, raving dancer castles and kings holding babies aloft. Surely the most high-energy chess set ever. £36.99, store.moma.org
Raymond Pettibon five-panel hat
A baseball cap adorned with a Vavoom artwork by Raymond Pettibon, famed for creating album covers for every California punk band worth its snot. $68, newmuseumstore.org
American Gothic dress-up fridge magnet
Now you can dress up Grant Wood’s iconic couple as anything from football jocks to Hawaiian-shirted poolside party people. £14, amazon.co.uk
Lady Macbeth’s hand sanitiser
Out, damned spot! If you’ve got filthy hands but can’t afford all the perfumes of Arabia, this is for you. £6, shop.nationaltheatre.org
Hamilton shot glasses
The rapping founding father didn’t throw away his shot and you needn’t either, thanks to these tumblers inspired by the musical juggernaut. £8, hamiltonwestendshop.com
Grayson Perry snowglobe
This 13cm tall offering from Living Architecture contains in miniature the house the artist built for Julie, his imaginary Essex everywoman. £50, shop.tate.org.uk
De Stijl storage tower
Desk-tidying goes modernist with this bold-coloured piece of powerful geometry, built to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the Netherlands art movement and equilibrium enthusiasts. £36.99, store.moma.org
UK Song Map
Fort William It Was Really Nothing … a map of Britain made from the titles of over 1,000 songs, from London Calling to Belfast Boy and Birmingham Blues. £30, wearedorothy.com
Faces: Profiles of Dogs
Vita Sackville-West provides a hilarious history of 44 breeds, comparing the gentle-eyed Afghan to “somebody’s elderly Aunt Lavinia, who nourishes a secret passion for the vicar”. £10.99, dauntbooks.co.uk
Judy Chicago coasters
Set of four based on her installation The Dinner Party, each representing a woman of historical importance, from Sappho to Italian Renaissance giant Isabella d’Este. £25, shop.tate.org
Game of Queens
Is Divine the most outrageous drag queen? Is Coco Peru the funniest? Pitch huge-haired star against huge-haired star in this card race. £11.60, magma-shop.org
Going, Going, Gone!
What am I bid? A board game in which players travel the world as collectors, snapping up works that may be masterpieces or overhyped junk. £24.99, laurenceking.com
