The trailer for the new James Bond film, No Time to Die, has arrived, and not a moment too soon. There is a weird lack of excitement about the instalment arriving next April, partly down to how immensely boring Spectre was, and partly down to Daniel Craig’s reluctance to ever star in a James Bond film ever again. If even 007 doesn’t want to be 007 any more, we’re all in for trouble.

So the No Time to Die trailer is the Bond franchise’s big chance to show that it can still compete. In a world where people only watch Disney movies, how are we going to cope with the further adventures of a posh British drunk with a limp? There’s only one thing to do: dive into the trailer.

Let’s start with the good news: the No Time to Die trailer opens with Craig doing more acting than he has in the last three Bond films combined. Look at his face – that’s anger, an identifiable emotion. Better yet, he’s in the car having an argument with Léa Seydoux. This is perfect news for anyone who’s ever wished they were the children trapped in James Bond and Madeleine Swann’s loveless marriage.

However, that first shot appears to be nothing more than sizzle. Now we’re treated to what seems to be the opening scene of the film itself. “Where’s 007?” asks M impatiently, before we cut to the most incredible and remote lake-house known to man. What an idyllic holiday spot for Bond – no wonder he isn’t answering the call any more. He must be having the time of his life.

No, as it turns out, James Bond hates lakes. You wouldn’t think it was possible for someone to hate lakes as much as he does, but here we are. It’s a shame this will be Daniel Craig’s final outing as 007, because there goes my brilliant idea to give Bond 26 the title Lakepuncher.

“The world’s moved on, Commander Bond” says Lashana Lynch. She’s the newest 00 on the block, and she means business. Yes, every Bond girl for the last 50 years has said something along the lines of “The world has moved on” to demonstrate the franchise’s understanding of social progressiveness. And, yes, James Bond has almost exclusively responded to this by aggressively skirting the lines of sexual consent with them in the very next scene. She’ll be fine, this one. She’ll definitely be fine.

Hey, it’s Christoph Waltz! You forgot he was a Bond baddie, didn’t you? Well here he is again, only horribly disfigured to prove that he’s evil. He’s here to tell James Bond that Dr Madeleine Swann has a secret.

This is why Bond was so angry at her in the car. He left the service for her, and she broke his heart. Here we are in the middle of the heartbreak, as Bond slowly realises he junked his entire career for a woman who actually wanted to go on holiday to wherever they shot Mamma Mia.

We still haven’t met the Big Bad for this film yet, have we? Here’s a hint: he wears too much makeup and he’s apparently hiding behind the front door that your granny had in 1987.

Just kidding, here he is. It’s Rami Malek from Mr Robot, dressed in the anorak that your granny had in 1987. He’s definitely the baddie, by the way. You can tell by how horribly disfigured he is. Remember kids, facial disfigurement means evil. It always means evil.

Finally, here’s Bond being shot at in a car for no reason. I hate that I’m excited about this stupid film.