Name: Celibacy.
Age: It was preached about in the sixth century BC by Pythagoras, who believed sex was dangerous and spiritually exhausting.
Appearance: Orlando Bloom doing his very best not to have sex with you.
That must be difficult for him. Not for Orlando Bloom. When Orlando Bloom doesn’t want to have sex with you, he absolutely will not have sex with you.
Wait a minute, isn’t that … just how normal people behave? Not having sex with people you don’t want to have sex with? It might be normal for you, you anonymous pleb, but Bloom manages to make it sound as if not having sex with people he doesn’t want to have sex with is an impressive test of character.
Really? Yes. That’s why he’s so thankful for his recent six-month stretch of celibacy.
Only six months? What a lightweight. It might not sound that long to you. But to reiterate, for Bloom, celibacy actively involves fighting hundreds of women off with sticks. For you, it involves accepting nobody wants to match with you on Tinder.
What got him started? In an interview in the Sunday Times, Bloom revealed that a surfer friend convinced him to try abstaining from sex for an extended period of time.
Why? Because Bloom was having such an enormous amount of sex that it was affecting his ability to maintain friendships with women. He simply didn’t have any female friends.
Because he wanted to have sex with them? Also because they wanted to have sex with him. He’s Orlando Bloom, honey. Orlando Bloom!
Sounds exhausting. As Bloom said of just being around women: “If [sex] wasn’t in my eye, it was probably in theirs. I was a pretty boy, so wherever I went there was a bit of [frisson].”
So he just gave it up? For six months. And by all accounts it made him feel amazing.
How so? “I was really enjoying the way I was relating to women, and to the feminine within myself.”
I don’t know what that means. Me neither. But, honestly, good for him. His experience may sound like insufferable Hollywood wellness talk, but he set a goal and met it and it made him feel better.
So has he stayed celibate? Well, he has just got Katy Perry pregnant, so I’d assume not.
So celibacy isn’t trendy? It is, but apparently not as trendy as being engaged to a pop star.
Do say: “Not having sex is cool now.”
Don’t say: “Which basically means all your married friends are the Fonz.”
