Through every shock to the economy, every wave of layoffs and furloughs, the platforms have been here for us. We could all use a little extra cash these days, and those geniuses at Silicon Valley have some ideas on how to diversify our revenue streams. Airbnb has been there to help us turn our spare bedroom into a mini-hostel. Lyft and Uber can you help you turn the car you already own into a mini-taxi. Substack and Patreon ask us if we have considered making our diaries public and charging people for access? They are here to help us through these troubled times. And take a hefty percentage and service fee.

Now here comes OnlyFans, yet another platform that will help us turn another aspect of our life into cash: our actual selves. Originally used by camgirls and sex workers to broadcast sexual fantasy and performance to paid viewers without the need for the traditional producers and distributors of the sex work world, now content creators of all kinds are encouraged to join the site and perform a highly edited version of themselves to attract fans with money, create parasocial relationships with their audience and monetize their daily lives.

And while the original user base cries gentrification, and while labor advocates cry exploitation, I for one embrace this change. I have already optimized my home, my cat, my writing, my jokes and my pastimes for monetization and image maintenance on platforms like Twitter, Instagram and Patreon, and now I have a place where I can sell both my ass and my soul, completing the package. The transformation from person to brand is complete.

You want to be outraged by this new development and the erasure of boundaries between the private and professional life, but you can’t. You can’t because you’re too poor and you don’t have insurance during a global health crisis but also because the potential has sparked your imagination. Even the supposedly critical pieces about OnlyFans can’t help but breathlessly crow about what the site has to offer both viewer and performer. “Yes, yes, this is probably bad for us spiritually and psychologically and morally but think of the extra cash you could make.” Just look at these people killing it on the platform. This woman makes $80,000 a month eating mashed potatoes in her pajamas while staring dead-eyed into her webcam! This guy paid a woman $50 to have his very specific sexual proclivity acted out exactly as he instructed, potentially traumatizing him further and deeper into his burdensome fetish. The possibilities are endless!

It’s easy to get started. Simply ask yourself, every single time you have an experience, if I broadcast this, will someone pay me to watch it? If anyone wants to pay to watch me weep quietly in the bathtub, let me know. The way things are going, I could make a daily show of it without much effort and I could really use the cash.

And what’s more, now that we’re in lockdown, we have any number of very lonely people eager and ready to pay you to pretend to be their friend. If they take it too far into the realm of fantasy and start getting confused about whether or not you are their actual romantic partner, that is frankly not your responsibility.

With the economic future uncertain for a lot of people, sign-ups for “models” on OnlyFans have been increasing fast. Don’t be afraid of a little competition. The market rewards quality, and if you’re not being rewarded that just means you need to improve the quality of your product. Your product being your actual self, of course. Just think of competition as a helpful little friend, sitting on your shoulder, reciting all of your flaws and every thing about yourself you need to improve every waking moment of every day. There is absolutely no reason for you not to do everything it takes to fix those flaws. Go to a PureBarre class and let a tiny ponytail lady yell at you as you frantically work to tighten your thighs. Inject your face with neurotoxic proteins and derma fillers. Mold your ideas and your language to what is acceptable to your ideological bubble. Discard old friends who have no clout. And when you accomplish the vanquishing of one flaw, eight will magically appear in its place, so you’ll never be bored again!

In return, the market will tell you whether or not your life has value. Think you look good in that selfie? Prove it. Likes don’t mean anything anymore, you’ve got to see what people will pay for it. Think you’re pretty smart? Record your thoughts about every single movie you watch, every article you read, every headline in the news and see if people will pay to hear more. Those numerical figures that tally up your monthly income from subscribers, those are your new vital signs.

And as for the losers? Those who can’t make themselves pretty enough for the webcam, who can’t find their best angles, who can’t find anyone who wants to watch them read children stories topless, who can’t be their best selves? They can either find the cash to reward the ones who can or they can simply disappear from view. If you can’t see them, do they actually even exist? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have got to go contour my face to make myself look less like myself, I have a date with a webcam in an hour. Let’s make some money, girls.

• Jessa Crispin is a Guardian US columnist