Name: Batman.
Age: Born in 1939.
Appearance: A bit emo.
Emo? The Dark Knight? The Caped Crusader? Yup. Or rather his alter ego, Bruce Wayne.
Just because he wears a lot of black and stays up late? I take it you have not seen the trailer for the latest film in the franchise.
I have not. Who’s in it? Robert Pattinson.
R-Patz is Batman? He’s The Batman.
Do you mean that his performance eclipses those of all other Batmans, past and future? No, that’s just the name of the movie: The Batman.
And he plays him as an emo? It’s hard to divine much from the trailer, but he’s definitely sporting eyeliner, a moody glower and a My Chemical Romance fringe.
Eyeliner? On Batman? Apparently most Batmans wear a bit, so their eyes look more menacing with the cowl on, but Bruce Wayne never usually left it on for parties and stuff.
That raises a question: how exactly did the bazillionaire socialite Bruce Wayne come by his emo persona? We will have to wait and see. The trailer is unforthcoming, and the film doesn’t come out until some time next year. Some fans have argued that Wayne has always been emo ever since he watched his parents die in front of him.
How are they taking the news? The bit of Twitter where emos and Batman lovers overlap is thrilled, but reactions overall seem split between: “I can’t wait!!!” and: “Not impressed”.
Won’t Batman’s new emo backstory permanently alter his already quite detailed biography? Not necessarily. DC Films says that The Batman is a standalone film without narrative ties to the DCEU franchise.
I have no idea what that means. DCEU stands for DC Extended Universe, and the film doesn’t have to swim in the same narrative stream as Justice League or Aquaman 2 or even The Joker, because they’re all part of a “multiverse”.
So Batman can have eggs for breakfast in one universe and muesli in another? Is that what the multiverse means? “What the multiverse means is we can tell these great stories where we can tell different stories,” says the president of DC Films, Walter Hamada.
Sounds as if they have just stopped worrying about things making sense. Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton are both set to reprise their roles as non-emo Batman in the upcoming Flash film.
But now there will always be a universe in which Batman really likes Fall Out Boy. To be fair, there is probably a universe in which Batman is played by Elmo.
Do say: “Renounce all others – Pattinson’s The Batman is the definite article.”
Don’t say: “Cheer up love, it may never happen.”
