Knock knock! Who’s there? Moo. Moo who? No need to cry – it’s only a joke.
OK, fine, that needs work. But you know what can’t be improved upon, what is slimy-sweet perfection? Moo Deng: the pygmy hippopotamus who has amassed a global fanbase with her squishy face and sassy antics. Little Moo, who lives at the Khao Kheow Open Zoo in Thailand, has dramatic facial expressions that are instantly meme-able. She has a delightful, if ever so slightly manic, grin. She bites people in a strangely endearing manner. Even her name, which translates to “bouncy pork”, is in a league of its own. In short: she’s a chubby ray of light in what are otherwise very dark times. You can watch her livestream anytime you need a moo-d booster.
Of course, while Moo-mania is widespread now, things may change. The first rule of the internet is that, eventually, everyone and everything that you love will be deemed problematic. Remember Grumpy Cat, AKA Tardar Sauce? We all thought that frowny face was adorable until a slew of headlines explained that, actually, she had a congenital defect and you were a terrible human for finding her funny.
Anyway, the point of this column was not to discuss a dead cat’s medical problems. It was to try to provide an antidote to the general awfulness in the world. It has been a terrible year. With the exception of occasional hippopotamus content, looking at the news has been consistently horrifying: massacre after massacre after massacre. Honestly, I have found it very hard to cope. I have tried all the usual unhealthy coping mechanisms (drinking too much, sleeping too much, eating crisps for breakfast) and they obviously don’t help. However, in all my attempts to self-medicate I have found a few healthy – and legal – mood-boosters, which I will share below.
1. Knock-knock jokes. I’ve been trying to teach my toddler knock-knock jokes, but she hasn’t quite got the concept yet. Every time I say “knock knock” she says “poopy” and starts laughing maniacally. Things devolve from there. Despite this, I have gained a new appreciation for the classic joke format. There are probably two knock-knock jokes in the world that are genuinely funny but there’s something pure and wonderful about how silly they are. They make you feel like a kid again.
2. Toddler banter. My child may not have got the hang of cracking a joke yet, but she sure has mastered the art of the unsettling insult. Recently she held my face with her grubby little hands and said: “Mama, you look like a chicken or a boy.” Another time she looked at my belly button ring (yes, I still have one – don’t judge) and sweetly said: “Did you get that at Aldi?” Ouch. Anyway, if you don’t have a toddler of your own to roast you, then I suggest you briefly borrow one. Happy to lend mine out at any time.
3. Going down online rabbit holes. Did you know that in 1936 a Colonel Frank Knox was selected as the running mate for Alf Landon, the Republican presidential candidate? This sparked a mania for knock-knock jokes in Pennsylvania, which was then followed by a backlash – according to NPR, “People who loved knock-knock jokes were said to have social problems.” The world is full of weird and wonderful facts. And thanks to the internet you can waste hours reading about the most obscure issues whenever you like.
4. Solidarity with strangers. I was walking down the road feeling extremely glum about Gaza recently when a woman who was sitting in her car beckoned me over. I thought she was going to ask me directions – which would not have been a good decision on her part. Instead, she asked me about my watermelon T-shirt. (Watermelons are a symbol for Palestine.) It turned out that she, like my dad, was a Palestinian refugee whose family were originally from Haifa. She leaned out of her car and hugged me. Never underestimate how a small act of kindness can transform someone’s day.
5. Hitting a ball extremely hard. I’ve never been a big fan of activities where balls fly at my nose. Recently, however, I took up squash and pickleball and am obsessed with both. Hitting balls as hard as possible is extremely satisfying. Almost as satisfying as a silly joke. Speaking of which: Knock knock! Who’s there? Moo. Moo who? Moo-ve along now: this column is over.
Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
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