Name: Landlines.

Age: 148 years old.

Appearance: A cable attached to your phone that’s tied to your house.

I haven’t had a landline for years. Oh, you young whippersnapper! You’re really missing out.

On what, exactly? On so much! Telling the caller your full telephone number when answering the phone, being trapped in a room where everyone in your family can clearly hear your side of the conversation. It’s the best.

It doesn’t sound like the best. You wouldn’t understand. I still get lots of calls on my landline phone, you know.

From whom? Oh, all my new friends. The guy who has promised to give me millions of pounds to thank me for lending him £10,000. The woman from the bank who keeps asking me for all my personal details. They are a lovely lot.

I hate to say it, but I think perhaps you’re being scammed. I am almost certainly being scammed, yes. It turns out that more than half of all calls to landlines these days are from scammers.

Why? It could be because it’s harder to screen and block scam numbers on a landline phone than a mobile. It could be because people who want to speak to you for a legitimate reason will just ring your mobile. Or it could be because it’s mainly old people who have landlines these days.

How is that relevant? Because scammers famously like to target elderly people, and 80% of elderly people have landlines, compared to just 50% of 18-29-year-olds.

So if you’re a scammer and you dial a landline … You are more likely to get a friendly senior who may not realise that you’re trying to empty their bank account.

Dreadful. This has to be the death of the landline. Don’t speak too soon, because the landline phone is now coveted by gen Z.

Why? Because they’re cool and retro, like cassette players. Listen, if you’re 20 years old, then you’ve lived your whole life using your phone as a laptop, camera, book and food ordering system. Doesn’t it sound refreshing to only be able to use it as a phone?

Oh, I see. It’s imagined nostalgia. Maybe it will catch on. After all, nothing gives you the joy of a telephone conversation like an actual telephone.

Wait, what do you mean by conversation? You know, talking to somebody.

Via text? No, via your mouth.

I would actually have to talk to someone? Vocally? Over the phone? That is my biggest fear. Well, you might die of loneliness with that attitude but the good news is you’ll never get scammed.

Do say: “Landline users are more susceptible to scams.”

Don’t say: “But just give me all your bank details and I’ll tell the scammers to stop.”