Hello Guardian readership,
My phone is my life. My phone is my gateway to deliveries, maps, prescriptions, the weekly food shop and even my sex life. I am dependent on it, even while it leaches the dopamine out of me. My fingers have calluses from manic, late-night doomscrolling on TikTok. I can process information at the speed of light without any pesky empathy getting in the way. Ask any of my friends: I spend the majority of my life face down in my iPhone but can I reply to a single WhatsApp? Not on your life. You are going to be left on read, baby. I’m busy buying a third portable bidet. (An actual thing that happened because I forgot where I put the other two … I found them later; best not to ask where.)
Make no mistake, I am addicted to the internet. I crave it. I break out in a sweat if I don’t check my phone every 10 seconds. My wonderful mother could tell me she’s won the lottery, contracted some speedy terminal illness and is leaving me everything tax-free and I’d still be saying: “Sorry I’ll get to it in a second I just found a makeup tutorial based by a third year old who wanted to serve cunt as a fierce Mother Teresa on Drag Race for Halloween.”
The internet is scary these days. The world is scary. So, while I adore my phone, I also recognise the harm it can cause. Sometimes I look at it with the same dawning horror as Anne Archer in Fatal Attraction, seeing that simmering pot and realising that the bunny is missing.
In the spirit of that, here are the funniest things on the internet that I can remember through my overmedicated haze. (Apologies … the Venezuelan water polo team was over for a training session this weekend. Boy, do they know how to party.)
1. Let’s start with a classic
Animals are wonderful creatures but I think we can agree that cats are the spawn of Satan. If I wanted to be gaslit into giving rent, free food and unconditional love to an animal that defecates inside, vomits in my shoes and destroys my couch, I could have just called my ex-boyfriend Darren. Although I don’t wish cats any harm and I’m sure this cat is fine, the perfect timing of this mistimed leap of faith is pure heaven. Enjoy.
2. Carrie Fisher roasts George Lucas
From a disaster we go to a triumph, with the late, great Carrie Fisher delivering a brilliant evisceration of George Lucas at his AFI life achievement award. Carrie Fisher was always a brilliant mind and fantastic performer, and here she is on fire. And seeing the faces in that crowd – a pantheon of stars losing their collective shit at how brilliant this woman is – is a pure joy.
3. Chloe – Sandwiches
We’re taking a dip into the absurd. I welcome you to … Drew Droege’s Chloe series. A short-lived but much-loved online miniseries where Droege, a lauded actor and writer, gives a terrifying and mind-boggling impersonation of the critically acclaimed actor Chloë Sevigny as she recounts her first encounters with various phenomena, always opening with the iconic line: “It has recently come to my attention …”
Go for a deep dive into the world of Chloe and treat yourself.
4. This woman behind Helen Sjöholm
This next clip is one I compulsively share with anyone I meet. Helen Sjöholm is the queen of Swedish musical theatre and here she is singing the stirring song You Have To Be There from the musical Kristina från Duvemåla, written by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus of Abba. This song is sung by the lead character Kristina as she doubts her faith in God after a miscarriage.
Sjöholm is brilliant, as is the song, but she is not the star of this clip. The star for me is the ensemble member behind her on the right-hand side of the screen, going through every emotional beat of the song while barely moving anything but her wide, manic eyes. The cameraman tries desperately to zoom in to avoid her but she manages to find the lens time and time again, all while Sjöholm gives the performance of a lifetime. I like to imagine that this lady is Sjöholm’s understudy and is holding an axe behind her back. This video is why you should ALWAYS be nice to your colleagues.
5. A sleeping dog runs into wall
Here’s a short self-explanatory one. Dogs are the best thing in the world and I will be taking no questions at this time.
6. Elaine Stritch: ‘Sneaky bitch indeed’
There is no doubt in my mind that Elaine Stritch was the superlative leading lady. An embodiment of Broadway and a fixture of the stage. Husky of voice, quick of wit, she was a brilliant curmudgeon and a sparkling, shining star who could break your heart and knock you to the back of the theatre with that steamroller of a voice. The fact that she found a huge TV career in her twilight years means we have so much footage of her that we might not have had if she’d only done theatre. Here she is in fine and terrifying form.
7. Lady Gaga’s barista
Not many people know this about me but I’m actually not a very confrontational person. I’m quite down to earth and kind. (I can hear my agent laughing at this as she reads it from her cell – where I assume she sleeps, I rarely go into that wing of the estate.)
I have little time for bigotry and hypocrisy and I have to say that Gaga deals with this in the most kind and gracious way. Here, Caitlyn Jenner presses Gaga why she hasn’t seen her around the neighbourhood and, instead of saying anything that could be construed as rude, she maybe panics? Or maybe she feels the lightning bolt of inspiration strike and comes up with something even better … the avoidant “I’ve switched Baristas” instantly became legendary.
8. Rue McClanahan at the 1987 Emmy awards
Have you noticed that I have a thing for brilliant women? Well, enjoy this: Rue McClanahan accepting her Emmy and threatening all of Hollywood. If there’s anything I love, it is a well-deserved glare.
9. The Greenport Peter Pan fiasco
We’ve all had to sit through a children’s play while longing for an interval, an alcoholic beverage or maybe a fire. But how I wish I was in the room at this show. It is with great pleasure that I give to you beautiful readers of the Guardian perhaps the finest theatrical venture since Peter Brook first thought about putting Midsummer Night’s Dream on stilts. And know: all the children were fine.
10. Dog fart, cat puke
So that’s it. The show’s over. Stop reading! Oh, you want one more? Here it is: my sentimental encore, to send you out into the dark and scary world with some hope for humanity. This has been the 10 funniest things on the internet with me, humble Australian icon Reuben Kaye. Goodnight Australia … Take care of each other.
Reuben Kaye is playing King Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar 50th anniversary tour, in Sydney until 19 January, then Perth 13 February to 8 March, Melbourne 16 March to 11 May, and Brisbane June
