The status of Die Hard as a Christmas movie is contested. The quality of this live adaptation is, alas, less debatable. The show takes place on the fifth floor of an office block by Southwark Bridge, masquerading as floor 30 of (deep breath) “Nakablowme” Tower. Terrorists have taken over, led by louche villain Hands Grubby, clad for no apparent reason in sequinned jacket and fishnets. Step forward macho Noo Yawk cop John McClean to save the day, and to connect with his closeted sexuality via a romance with a PC from South Croydon seemingly styled by the Village People.

We’re in the realm of camp action-movie parody then, in a show that bids for the boozy and forgiving Christmas crowd, wanting a knees-up more than a play. The problem is that, in Bertie Watkins’ production, neither is satisfactorily delivered. Dead Hard’s immersive element is weak and swiftly dispatched, as Nakablowme’s CEO orchestrates two audience-participation games involving dildos (the show is obsessed with dildos) and other phallic appendages. Thereafter, we sit in a studio theatre and passively watch the show unfold.

That show is poor and grossly overextended. It’s no fault of the four-strong cast, whose contributions outshine the material. Toby Osmond hams it up pleasingly as Hands, getting into an Alan Rickman-alike contest at one point with Alex Dowding’s McClean. Jacqui Bardelang catches the eye in her three roles, and Calum Robshaw brings loose-cannon energy as Hands’ henchmen and McClean’s squawking wife.

Mind you, it’s all loose-cannon in a show with no narrative or directorial discipline whatsoever. Scenes drift here and there, staging is slapdash and nothing is believably at stake. Things go wrong (a go kart doesn’t start; a door refuses to unlock) and heaven knows what you would get of the plot in the event – unlikely, I admit – that you had not seen Die Hard.

There’s plenty of capering spirit, albeit attenuated over two-and-a-half hours (!), and occasional flashes of invention – McClean’s scramble through the ventilation shafts is cutely done. But pickings are slim. I found Dead Hard dead hard to get through.

• At CoLab theatre, London, until 12 January