It’s just turned December and – unless you’re far more organised than everyone else on the arts desk – you’ve not even thought about Christmas shopping yet. But, before you go traipsing off to every corner of the internet/high street in search of unique gifts, why not relax with a glass of sherry and simply treat the cultural connoisseur in your life to something from our bumper festive gift guide.
Featuring everything from a beautiful Japanese anti-smartphone poster to a Traitors hooded top, there’s no price range we haven’t covered (fine bone china Pet Shop Boys tea set, anyone?), no area of the arts left untouched (a Brutalism-inspired sweatshirt?) and absolutely no chance that anyone else has recommended you buy a lace hi-vis vest. We’ve even found the Mona Lisa at a decent price (OK, it’s made of Lego, but still).
Taylor Swift soap
Not so much shake it off as scrub it off – these organic, lavender-scented bars of soap come with their own miniature Taylor trapped inside. chucklesoaps.com, £7.50
James Bond Scalextric
If you’ve ever fancied speeding down the road in an Aston Martin on an epic, pitfall-laden car chase, but are too much of a wimp in real life, this 1:32 scale racing set is the next best thing. uk.scalextric.com, £100
Art from the Islamic world scarf
Printed in Italy and made from fine silk, this 70x70cm scarf features designs inspired by objects from the recent Islamic art exhibition at William Morris Gallery in London. wmgallery.shop, £95
Pet Shop Boys fine bone china tea set
What have you done to deserve this? This limited edition Duchess China tea set marks 40 years since Pet Shop Boys’ first record. It’s not cheap so let’s hope you’ve made lots of money. shop.petshopboys.co.uk, £200-£600
Portable DJ mixer
AlphaTheta’s DDJ-FLX2 is an ultra-portable entry-level controller that works with laptops, tablets, smartphones and a variety of streaming services – perfect for jazzing up that New Year’s Eve party. thedjshop.co.uk, £159
Preston bus station jumper
A sweater featuring a transport hub might not be on everyone’s wishlist to Santa – but this particular bus station is a brutalist classic (“A baroque cathedral for buses” according to the Guardian) and it looks particularly good in knitwear form. architectural-icons.com, £64
Snoop Dogg firepit
Drop it like it’s hot indeed – this limited edition bonfire pit comes emblazoned with the words “Let me be blunt” and the rapper’s signature. solostove.com, £285
Tom of Finland socks
The mooning sailor design might not quite be right for grandpa (although you never know) but it might make a good stocking filler for the subtle subversive in your life. houseofvoltaire.org, £12
Dr Strangelove bottle opener
We’re all flying furiously towards the apocalypse, so why not resign yourself to it and open another beer? drstrangelove.store, £8
Swan Lake headdress
Dance your own DIY Swan Lake with this handmade headgear crafted with feathers, sequins and satin ribbons. shop.rbo.org.uk, £247
Modernist kitchen tea towel
What could look better in your kitchen than a tea towel depicting … a kitchen! But not just any kitchen – this one is based on the first housing development of Span, whose designs revolutionised postwar Britain. thingsyoucanbuy.co.uk, £15
Japanese anti-smartphone poster
Send a passive-aggressive gift to your screen-addicted loved one with this “Please do not use smartphones while walking” public information poster that blends past and present Japan. vam.ac.uk/shop, £25
Lego Mona Lisa
Easier and cheaper to make than Leonardo’s effort, this plastic brick re-creation will surely look (almost) as good on your wall. lego.com, £90
Stormtrooper beer glass
Designed by Andrew Ainsworth, who was the creator of the original 1979 Stormtrooper helmet, this is the ultimate drinking receptacle for Star Wars aficionados. May the Foster’s be with you! thumbsup.com, £25
X-Ray Spex skirt
A collaboration with Celeste Bell, daughter of X-Ray Spex singer Poly Styrene, this skirt includes the album title Germ-Free Adolescents and various images of contraception. hades-shop.co.uk, £240
Small Stories of Great Artists
A clever twist on well-worn artistic biographies, this Taschen book brings great artists alive by telling their stories through the eyes of children who were dazzled by them. taschen.com, £30
Moonclock
This limited-edition sculpture by Lex Franchi is also a tool to apparently help someone predict their moods by tracing patterns in their menstrual cycle in accordance with the lunar cycle. shop.camdenartcentre.org, £500
Anxiety soft toy
We live in anxious times. So what better way to combat this than to give a tangled-up toy from Inside Out 2 a great big squeeze? ebay, £14.50
Beryl Cook T-shirt
High heels, skimpy knickers … and that’s just the local vicar. This T-shirt boasts Beryl Cook’s brilliant design for the 1987 film Personal Services, based on the tale of a real London brothel. houseofvoltaire.org, £35
Marshall Bluetooth speaker
Add a bit of oomph to your music collection with this small-but-powerful portable speaker made to look like Marshall guitar amps. Maybe they go all the way up to 11? johnlewis.com, £100
Atari whisky set
Featuring a decanter based on the classic CX-10 joystick, this is the ideal way for gamers to enjoy their finest single malts. The perfect chaser after a Stormtrooper beer? thumbsup.com, £80
Traitors hooded top
Channel your inner Claudia Winkleman with this garish jumper that comes with festive messages – “Oh come all ye faithful” – and its own treacherous hood. notjustclothing.co.uk, £45
Harry Styles bauble
Don’t leave your Christmas tree as it was – this sparkly Harry Styles decoration may well be the only thing on your tree with its own tattoos. shop.balticmill.com, £18
Shakespeare’s First Folio for kids
The 36 plays are all present and correct, but here they’ve been abridged so that they can be performed by groups of children in under 20 minutes – perfect for a budding thespian. walker.co.uk, £30
Emily Pope postcards
The visual artist’s “positive postcards” critiquing late capitalism and the patriarchy feature such winning messages as: “Don’t worry, you can still eat a chip and have an orgasm!” houseofvoltaire.org, £5
Blank canvas T-shirt
What could be more simple than a T-shirt with “art” written on it – made courtesy of slow fashion independent label Nyōō. nyoostore.com, £26
Nick Cave’s Little Black Book
“Best little black book ever” trumpets Nick Cave’s excellent website of merch, and it’s certainly hard to imagine anything better to capture your artistic ideas in. cavethings.com, £25
Lace hi-vis vest
Walking the dog? Inspecting a construction site? Heading off to a rave? Spicing up your sex life? Now you can do all these things without even having to change. lacesafetyvest.com, £38
Great Mughals tiffin set
Inspired by Mughal designs seen in the recent exhibition at London’s V&A, this floral-patterned tiffin set will brighten up even the dreariest kitchen. vam.ac.uk/shop, £45
Swimming in shit pendant
What could sum up the past few years of neglect better than this necklace-based ode to our faecal-plastered waterways – a collaboration between Jeremy Deller and Tatty Devine. tattydevine.com, £30
Mike Kelley F*ck You print
In honour of Mike Kelley’s Ghost and Spirit exhibition at Tate Modern, this offensive shelf print follows up its initial insult with the plea: “Now give me a treat please.” shop.tate.org.uk, £6
Zaha Hadid candle holder
Architecture’s late queen of the curve has an array of goods on sale in her name, from plates to ash trays, but we like this holder for a trio of candles, inspired by replicating cellular organisms. zaha-hadid-design.com, £143.50
Sabrina Carpenter-scented candle
We are promised that this soy candle smells like the actual pop star herself. Maybe that means it gives off aromas of Espresso? notonthehighstreet.com, £19.50
Beetlejuice sunglasses
These monochrome striped shades come with the boast that they can be worn in sunlight and moonlight. designmuseumshop.com, £95
Omega fish rug
Get the instant Bloomsbury look with this 100cmx212cm reproduction of one of their original Omega Workshop rugs, designed by painter Duncan Grant. shop.charleston.org.uk, £900
Stage door sign
This handmade wooden sign could work well on the bedroom door of any budding dancers in your family. etsy.com, £25
Perambulation architecture guides
Whether you’re in Paris’s 14th arrondissement or riding a bike through Rotherhithe, these walking and cycling guides will keep you on the most architecturally pleasing route. thingsyoucanbuy.co.uk, from £5
The Devil Wears Prada scarf
The devil may wear Prada, but you can out-fashion Beelzebub himself with this stylish monogram heel scarf. westendmerchandiseshop.com, £25
Net and Ball mugs
This iconic pattern was originally created for the carpet of the Royal Festival Hall when it opened on the banks of the Thames in 1951. The “ball” part was inspired by an apple that chief architect Leslie Martin had on his desk. shop.southbankcentre.co.uk, £12
Mean Girls fetch fan
Maybe 2025 will be the year the word “fetch” finally happens – and you’ll be ahead of the curve with this nifty (and very fetch) fan. westendmerchandiseshop.com, £10
All prices correct at time of publishing
