I just beat all of my friends at the new Mario Party game. It wasn’t even close. There are luck elements in the game, sure, but I got about a million stars and they got none. I feel like a god walking among mortals.

And then I get the buzz (on my mobile cellular device): a text message from a beloved family member over the age of 50 asking how I’m doing.

I reply to the effect of: “I’m doing great! I just beat all my friends at the new Mario Party game. It wasn’t even close! How are you?”

Their response shakes me to my very core: a solitary yellow thumb. What the hell? Everybody knows “thumbs up” is code for “I don’t care about your Mario Party!”

I suppose there’s a chance Nintendo’s beloved party game franchise isn’t as universal a topic as I thought. Maybe my emotional regulation issues are suffering from recency bias again.

I compose a message that simply cannot be ignored: “PS: I just got promoted to junior regional manager!”

(No, of course I didn’t, but we’re doing a science experiment here. Settle down!)

A great big eff-off yellow thumb. Unbelievable!

Whenever I see this beloved family member in public, they burst into tears at anything mildly sentimental. “Look at how much you’ve grown!” I’ll frequently hear, between harumphs of nostalgia-induced sobbing.

“Only outwards!” I’ll insist, wishing I could be anywhere but this equidistant Sutherland shire RSL club that specialises in awkward family gatherings and deconstructed nachos.

Then it clicks. Maybe what the youth feel in public – embarrassment, inauthenticity – is what “the olds” feel over text? “If that’s how you feel, say it to my face!” vibes.

And maybe we don’t “say it to your face”, because if this is how you react to us putting on a few kegs, what’s going to happen if I tell you about the promotion? You’ll be dancing on the RSL tables like Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

I really don’t think the well-meaning-if-unmotivated staff are quite ready for that. They’re not even ready for nachos.

There’s also the chance I’m dead wrong about the whole thing; it’s rare, but it has happened before. I am human, after all. Except at Mario Party. God damn I’m good at Mario Party.