As the US TikTok ban looms, users of the app there have been posting farewell messages for their “Chinese spy”, satirising the security concerns behind the ban as they offer up heartfelt appreciations of the ultra-targeted content on their For You pages.
There is a lot, they claim, to be grateful for: their “Chinese spies” have soothed and amused them, steered them towards splitting with unsuitable partners and toxic workplaces, helped them recover from divorce, changed their political perspectives and sometimes their entire lives. “My ‘Chinese spy’ was brave enough to tell me I’m an autistic lesbian and I should leave my husband. And I don’t know if anyone will care about me that much ever again,” reads a typical post, over dramatic footage of the grieving author. A commenter below claims the algorithm knew they were gay four years before they knew themselves; another says the app accurately diagnosed them with a skin condition that two dermatologists missed. Other people are just grateful for pizza recipes and hotel room hacks.
No one is threatening to part me from my “Chinese spy”, but it has made me wonder what it is trying to tell me. My numerous research tangents (from scentmaxxing to coastal grandmothers and glazed doughnut skin) must confuse the algorithm – for a while my “spy” thought I was diabetic or an orthopaedic surgeon – but in recent months we’ve reached a good place.
Now my For You page is full of delinquent equines, “lesbianising” poultry (ones without a resident cockerel, who crow and try to mate with their companions), people very slowly pulling pastries apart, urban rats going about their unnerving business, French political humour and deadlifting tips. So what does my “spy” have in mind for me? That I should become a jacked, pastry-fuelled guardian of an LGBTQ-and-allies animal crime syndicate in France? Honestly, that does sound pretty great.
There’s a serious side to this – does the ban threaten freedom of expression? Should I worry more about a faceless corporation knowing exactly what makes me tick? But as my “Chinese spy” can confirm, I don’t do serious.
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
