Watching this on a mobile device? Then click here
The poster for forthcoming UK sci-fi movie UFO is undeniably impressive. "BROSNAN" it screams in massive letters, alongside "BREE" and "PHILLIPS". How in the world did the producers manage to score a lineup like that? James Bond Pierce Brosnan? Founding member of the Royal Shakespeare Company James Bree? La Bamba Lou Diamond Phillips? All in one film! That's astonishing, especially when you consider the fact that James Bree has been dead for four years.
Alas, that isn't exactly the case. Take a closer look and you'll see, written above the surnames in tiny letters, the real names of the UFO actors. The film actually stars Sean Brosnan (Pierce's son), Bianca Bree (formerly Bianca Van Varenberg, daughter of Jean-Claude Van Damme) and Simon Phillips (star of Strippers vs Werewolves and four separate films with the word "hooligan" in the title). So UFO may not be the big-name extravaganza we originally anticipated, but that doesn't mean it won't be good. The UFO trailer has just been released, so let's pick through it and see what we're in for.
As you can see, the UFO trailer begins with Pierce Brosnan's son desperately trying to woo Jean-Claude Van Damme's daughter in a club by doing his best Wallace and Gromit impression at her. That's hardly going to work, is it?
Apparently it works perfectly, because Brosnan and Bree end up spending the night together. Perhaps inept claymation impressions are how the offspring of successful actors traditionally woo each other. Who knows? However, they're woken early by a horrifying noise. They stumble out of the house and stare at the horizon in horror. What could it be? Well, the film's called UFO, so that's probably quite a big clue. But it could feasibly be something else, too. They do look like the sort of people who still point at aeroplanes, after all. Still, one thing's for sure: whatever it is, it's making Sean Brosnan suck in his tummy like billy-o.
Oh, don't worry everyone, it's just the spaceship from District 9. That's fine. Earth isn't under attack after all.
Unless … is it? It's quite hard to tell. Those little specks could be alien jet fighters. But then again they could just as easily be stars, or bits of dust, or anything. There isn't really any frame of reference, and the quality of the upload isn't very good. Maybe this is just a perfectly black image and I'm seeing all these murky half-shapes because my retinas have just simultaneously detached. Still, if this really is an invasion, the aliens don't know what they're up against. Humanity is at its best when it finds itself backed into a corner. Nothing in the universe can compete with our towering spirit, our unflinching determination, our unstoppable unity.
Actually, scrap that. Humanity can't fight back against the invasion because it's too busy giving a stranger a shoeing down Budgens.
And melting, for that matter. Or crying. Or whatever it is that this girl's doing. My money's on melting.
The police aren't any help either, because they're all too busy kicking men in the face in slow motion. This is a disaster.
And don't think you can take refuge at the leisure park. A scuffle's broken out there, too, between Frankie & Benny's and Hollywood Bowl. True, you could probably hide out next to the bins behind Chiquito's, but that's the first place the aliens will look. It always is.
Perhaps we were wrong to think the police could help. Just look at this one, flinching and flapping his hands uselessly at an attacker. No, if we're going to put aside our petty differences and beat these aliens once and for all, we're going to need a hero. Someone naturally authoritative, someone with greatness in their blood. We're all thinking of the same person here, aren't we?
That's right, Beth's dad. Thank God you're here. We're saved!
