Sex and the City 2By Paul MacInnes, with apologies to Michael Patrick King and Candace Bushnell
SCENE 1
INT - a Connecticut mansion. Day. SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON and KIM CATTRALL are celebrating the marriage of their gay best friend. LIZA MINNELLI is conducting the ceremony and a male CHOIR, dressed as SWANS, are performing the BARBRA STREISAND songbook. All is right with the world.
CYNTHIA NIXONMy boss disrespects me.
KRISTIN DAVIS Raising my children can prove frustrating.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER I'm worried about becoming domesticated.
KIM CATTRALL Something about my vagina.
LIZA MINNELLI This one goes out to all my ladies who are struggling with all the problems you might have read about in the pages of any women's glossy!
LIZA MINNELLI strips off into her old Cabaret outfit and launches into an uncomfortable performance of Beyoncé's Single Ladies. The four FRIENDS turn to each other, registering the wisdom of MINNELLI's words. They raise diamond-encrusted champagne FLUTES in a toast.
THE GIRLS To feminism!
SCENE 2
INT - KIM CATTRALL's PR headquarters, Times Square. Her glass-walled OFFICE affords wonderful views of the busy New York landmark with all its flashing BILLBOARDS, photogenic TOURISTS and absolutely no HOMELESS PEOPLE whatsoever. CATTRALL has called THE GIRLS together to her OFFICE to make an announcement.
CATTRALL My vagina and I have something to say.
THE GIRLS GIGGLE together in sisterly fashion.
CATTRALL We have made friends with a sheikh from Abu Dhabi. He has invited us all to stay in his opulent hotel.
DAVIS Oh my God! That's amazing! [pause] What is Abu Dhabi?
CATTRALL It's the modern Middle East, darling. Cocktails, camels and co ...
NIXON Can we carry on over there as if the banks had never blown up?
CATTRALL Exactly! Triple cosmopolitans all around!
THE GIRLS raise uranium-plated cocktail GLASSES in a toast.
THE GIRLS To capitalism!
SCENE 3
INT - the sheikh's Abu Dhabi establishment. It's everything you'd expect from a seven-star hotel. What, you've never stayed in a seven-star hotel? Well, no need, when you can experience it vicariously through film! SARAH JESSICA PARKER is walking around the hotel conducting one of her internal monologues.
PARKER Sometimes it's only when you get distance from something that you truly appreciate it. That's true for relationships, but also for chauffeured Mercedes and spa treatments. After coming to Abu Dhabi I feel like I'm me again. Vain, shallow and irrationally obsessed with shoes.
KIM CATTRALL enters, flanked by two policemen.
CATTRALL Help! Help! My vagina and I have been arrested!
PARKER Oh my god!
CATTRALL Yes. We have learned a harsh lesson that economic and social liberalism are not one and the same thing!
PARKER In other words, they caught you shagging on the beach!
CATTRALL Not even, it was just a bl …
PARKER … Oh, there's no need to go into detail
CYNTHIA NIXON strides purposefully into the room
NIXON Did somebody call for a strong female lawyer?
PARKER They sure did! Go get em girl!
In rushes KRISTIN DAVIS
DAVIS And don't forget me. I love my children again!
THE GIRLS all burst into tears in a sisterly fashion
PARKER I guess we've all learned something today.
CATTRALL Yes. Never go on holiday to Abu Dhabi!
DAVIS Unless somebody else is paying!
THE GIRLS all raise TANKARDS carved from the BONES of indentured south-east Asian labourers.
THE GIRLS To the next movie!
KIM CATTRALL's VAGINA You'll be lucky.
