Name: Annie.
Age: 11.
Appearance: Headstrong, smartass, black.
Hold on a minute. Annie's not black. She's a little blonde Swiss girl who lives in the mountains. That's Heidi, you idiot. Annie's the little red-headed girl who looks like Sideshow Bob.
But this new version of Annie doesn't look anything like Sideshow Bob. That's because in this remake she is being played by Oscar-nominated actor Quvenzhané Wallis.
Oh, her! She was great in Beasts of the Southern Wild. Yes, she was. And, provided you're into musicals about toothy orphans singing about tomorrow, she'll probably be great in this too.
Well, super. Fantastic, isn't it? Everyone's agreed that Wallis is a fabulous actor, and that she will do a great job as Annie even if the film seems slightly beneath her. Wow, this is an unusually short Pass notes. Well done, everyone.
Hold on. Hold on, what? I don't like the sound of this.
Have you checked to see what the internet thinks about this? No. I can take a look if you like, but I can't imagine that people will be… oh. Oh goodness.
Found some racists? No, definitely no racists. They can't be racist, because all their tweets start with variations of: "I'm not a racist, but …"
Do you have any examples? There's "Not to be racist, but since when is Annie black?!". And "I'm not racist but first the karate kid then Johnny Storm and now Annie!" And, obviously "I'm not racist or anything ... But this new Annie movie is all mixed up!!! Annie is WHITE!!!!!!"
Really? People are legitimately getting worked up about the race of a girl in the lead of a kid's film? This is the internet. People would get worked up about oxygen if you let them.
How depressing. Whatever would Daddy Warbucks say? There is no Daddy Warbucks any more. He's been replaced by Will Stacks, a telecommunications billionaire with mayoral ambitions, played by Jamie Foxx.
What? This is an outrage! Not you, too. Anyway, we're forgetting the real issue here.
Which is? Why is anyone remaking Annie at all? It's rubbish.
Do say: "Betcha bottom dollar that tomorrow …"
Don't say: "… there'll be racists on the internet."
