Occasionally, it's incumbent upon a film critic to admit that they have absolutely no idea what's going on. Watching Moshi Monsters (a big-screen spin-off of the fantastically successful kids' gaming website that has spawned toys, comic books, video games and Happy Meals) I felt so awash in the horrifying parade of ghastly colours and meaninglessly creepy shapes that a blue-haired Elvis impersonator called Bobbi SingSong doing a techno-Bollywood number provided a rare moment of recognisable respite.

Kids love this stuff, apparently, and to them I can offer nothing by way of critique; I can speak only to the parents and guardians of the target audience, who have my deepest sympathies. While the best children's films can delight young and old alike, this is scorched earth fare for the under-10s, a movie that will leave adults bored, stupefied, revolted and appalled (but mainly bored). I went in a 50-year-old man; I came out 82 minutes later feeling 150. My head and back hurt. So will yours. Good luck.