As a kid I explored the sewers of Baltimore. They were building the beltway (ring road) near my parents’ house and we used to crawl down in the drain pipes really deep. So dangerous now I think about it, but that was my first journey. Like C.H.U.D – that movie about cannibalistic human underground dwellers.

I used to hitchhike a lot. I’d come home on the train from New York and there’d be no cabs, but people would pick me right up and take me to my door because they recognised me. It was like a car service. I never really had a bad experience hitchhiking. Well, once somebody pulled a gun, but they fired it out of the window.

I last picked up a hitchhiker in the city around five years ago. It was during the day and he got into my car and started huffing glue. He said: “Do you want some?” I said: “On Friday night maybe, not on a Tuesday morning!” Who huffs glue at 10am on a Tuesday morning? Well, at least he offered.

My perfect day in Baltimore begins with getting my five newspapers. Then I would write. I have to think of fucked-up things every morning and sell ’em in the afternoon. Then I’d go eat at my favourite little blue-collar diner, the Wyman Park. It’s unpretentious and it’s not a foodie place. They do good homemade turkey and it’s not just kale all the time. I’m not saying I don’t like kale, but it is ever-present.

For a meal out my number one restaurant is Peter’s Inn. I first went there when it was an old biker bar. Believe me, when it was Motorcycle Pete’s, that was fun. I had my 30th birthday there. That was a drunken, crazy night. It’s certainly not a biker bar now. It got turned into a restaurant and got better and better and better.

The nightlife in Baltimore is very mixed. Any gay people I know go to the hipster bars; they don’t go to the gay bars. Start your night at the Club Charles and then you can meet people to go other places. The Charles has been Baltimore’s favourite cool hipster bar forever. There’s also a real biker bar I like called the Holiday House, where I filmed A Dirty Shame.

For a party I usually go to this place that’s called Save Your Soul. It’s on the first Friday of every month at Lithuanian Hall and it’s just really young kids dancing to soul music. It’s so weird – this isn’t even their grandparents’ music. They’re 20 and they’re listening to music I know. I like that. I like that it’s in a union hall in a bad part of town. I like to just see what the kids are doing. Kids in Baltimore have it great, it’s jumping these days.

The Charles Cinema is our arthouse cinema. It’s where my movie Polyester premiered. Then there’s another theatre, the Senator, that’s like [New York’s] Radio City Music Hall. We had premieres of my movies there too. That’s when we were in theatres … I used to premiere in churches and rented halls. In the 1960s, churches were liberal: they used to have Black Panther meetings in them. Today there isn’t a church that’s as liberal. Well, maybe the Unitarians … Multiple Maniacs premiered in a Unitarian church.

Fans of Pink Flamingos who want to find some filming locations should visit the corner of West Read Street and Tyson Street. That’s where Divine ate dog shit. And the house where the Marbles lived is on Greenmount Avenue. It’s exactly the same – and I’ve gone back in since, which was weird. The woman that owned it ran a fancy wine shop and had never seen Pink Flamingos. I said, “Well you should see it!” She freaked out afterwards. She said: “Divine was licking my bannister!” Then she moved.

I’ve got an apartment in San Francisco and one in New York but if I had to pick one place to live it would definitely be Baltimore. It’s the most mixed. Nobody cares what I do. They know who I am but I can do anything. I can be a voyeur still. I can go out and watch people.

If you’re hitchhiking, Charles Street is a safe place to do it. You’ll definitely get a ride. Especially if you have a sign that’s funny. I had “I’m not psycho”, but maybe something like “Visiting town” or “Looking for a Balti-moron” would work. That’s what people call each other there.

The best bookshop is Atomic Books. It just carries extreme and good books. It’s well-curated, has a bar in the back and doesn’t stock anything middle of the road, or greetings cards. When I walk into a bookstore and there’s a lot of greeting cards, I’m suspicious.

There are some people who think I made Baltimore look bad but they mostly hate the Wire. And the Wire’s the best show to ever be on television. Apart from Pee-wee’s Playhouse and Howdy Doody.

• Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America is published by Corsair at £16.99. To order a copy for £13.59 including UK p&p call 0330 333 6846 or visit bookshop.theguardian.com