Review Anydog

Dogs are basically family members that you can buy, which is either a great thing or a desperately tragic one, I’m not totally sure. In that vein, reviewing a deluge of dogs as submitted by their owners is a delicate business, so I’ll get this over with swiftly.

Dog 1:

Reminiscent of an old man - a man so old, in fact, that he has died and then been stuffed. 7/10

Dog 2:

Is actually stuffed (if I’m not mistaken), slightly undignified in its choice of pose, but with the friendly demeanour that I gather is valued by the dog-loving community. 5/10

Dog 3:

Eyes that can only be described as satanic. 9/10

Dog 4:

Bog-standard dog. Kate Moss would probably refer to this dog as “basic”, but I think that would be unneccesarily harsh. 6/10

Dog 5:

I can’t tell if this dog is haughty or extremely eager to look presentable in order to be liked. Probably the latter, considering it’s a dog, but I’ve warmed to it either way. 10/10

Dogs: reviewed.

RA

Review Anybrow

It’s very easy to go wrong with eyebrows. Sure, you might be aiming for that bold Cara Delevingne arch, but one angle too far and you’ll look like you’d give someone a kicking for queue-jumping outside a club. Bushy eyebrows, meanwhile, are a sliding scale between “kind and eccentric” and “The League Of Gentlemen”. And I’ve never trusted someone with drawn-on lines, perhaps because I’ve had too many run-ins with Collection 2000 pencils.

Ed Sheeran’s left eyebrow, however, is a delicate strawberry whisker. It fits his face. It matches the other brow. It accentuates his hair colour. And it has a beginning, an end and no middle crossing. He’s not trying to do anything daring with this particular facial feature; it is subtle and leaves the real hard work to his eyes. An eyebrow like this does not conform to current trends, but neither does it care. Nope, Sheeran would rather chill with the see-through and get on with more important things, like writing multi-million-selling records and spending all his money on sleeve tattoos.

10/10

KH

Review Any(Reservoir)Dog

First off, let’s just say I’ve heard rumours about QT being a non-human man but that, for the purposes of this review, I’m going to assume he is woman-born.

OK, so what makes a human man? Well. obviously the ability to eat, digest and excrete food. Most likely, Tarantino has that nailed. Then there’s reproduction, a genetic necessity, some say. On that count Tarantino fails, having no children of his own. In fact, I’m not sure any have even appeared in his films.

But a human man is more than just the animal imperative. There is a soul in there, too (No, there is not – Richard Dawkins, ed). As a human man, Tarantino has devoted his life to his work and in a human society we tend to praise such dedication, unless we are the wife of a policeman in a film, in which case we tell him it’s us or the job. So he’s done well on that front.

A more problematic aspect of Tarantino’s soul is his dedication to saying out loud the things that he thinks. You might remember, for instance, the moment he shut down a Channel 4 interview because he was asked about the violence in his films: “I’m here to sell my movie! This is a commercial for the movie, make no mistake.” Or you might not like the way he insisted black critics had it in for him and that their attacks were “savage”. You may, however, approve of the decision he made, after his remarks about black critics, to speak out against police brutality in the US. Or his honest criticism of movies other than his own – describing It Follows, for example, as “one of those movies that’s so good you get mad at it for not being great.”

So let’s tot it up: excretion + devotion to craft – production of offspring % controversial remarks x free thinking = (just let me do my maths here…)

7.2453 out of 10

PM

Review anypouch

You’ve written this review in your head already, haven’t you. You’re just reading these words to confirm what you already know. I’m going to say I hate it. I’m going to decry the Portable Pizza Pouch as a new low for a species that can already count the hipster unicycle and Brian McFadden among its dubious achievements. I’ll say society is truly doomed. But we’re here for a review, so let’s get to it.

The only way to review the Potable Pizza Pouch is to try to work out what it’s for. It isn’t an indispensable tool, that much is certain. Even if you had to leave a half-eaten pizza to attend to some emergency, but you couldn’t possibly attend to said emergency without passing out halfway through due to acute pizza withdrawal, then this transparent pizza posing pouch could be of use. But I just don’t think people need pizza that much. The human body is able to go for impressive lengths of time without pizza. Evolution has seen to this. Otherwise we’d all be dead.

So it’s a joke. That’s what this pouch is. Like the Thirst Aid beer helmet, or the “Beer Is The Reason I Get Up Every Afternoon” T-shirt. But the Portable Pizza Pouch isn’t a funny joke, and at least purposes are served by the Thirst Aid beer helmet (hands-free drinking) and the beer T-shirt (identifying awful people who are terrible at drinking, who probably own a Thirst Aid Beer Helmet). So the Portable Pizza Pouch fails on all counts. It’s useless, unfunny and annoying. So why do I still want one more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life? Because the smell of pizza is one of the greatest smells, and this would keep it right under your nose at all times. So for this reason alone I have to give it:

10/10

LH