Name: Disneyland London.
Age: Not yet.
Appearance: Not yet.
Wait. Are we just turning London into Disneyland? Have Dave & Co got bored with selling it off piecemeal and decided just to go for it? No. A 388-acre theme park is being built by Kuwaiti European Holdings, which has signed a deal with Paramount Pictures.
So – not Disney then? No. And not in London either.
Oh. Where? Kent.
All of Kent? Are we paving England’s paradise and putting up a parking lot plus a variety of family attractions? No, only the Swanscombe peninsula, a patch of all but wasteland between Gravesend and Dartford. But near Ebbsfleet International train station, so you can stop off on your way to Paris.
Disneyland Paris? Maybe.
So, what will Paramount Peninsula sport? Rumours abound, but it’s not clear yet. Europe’s largest water park, possibly.
Ooh .…! Several rollercoasters, musical venues, theatres, cinemas, restaurants and 5,000 hotel rooms to accommodate the 50,000 visitors a day they hope to attract.
Ahhh …! Or nothing.
What? Could be nothing at all.
Why? Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Businesses already there complaining about having to move …
Go on. Plus, an accounting error by one of the companies involved delayed things for a while.
What kind of error? London Resort Company Holdings said it had £291,000 in cash assets, but when it looked in its piggy bank or under the mattress or wherever it was, it found it had only £952.
So they rounded up. What men of vision haven’t? Well, things are back on track now. Except they haven’t got planning approval for anything yet.
Will they, do you think? It would be a £2bn project bringing an estimated 27,000 jobs to the region, so there’s every chance Sevenoaks district council will find a way to bring Not-Disneyland to Kent.
And when can we have our first go on the Indiana Jones Temple of Doom Big Boulder Thing ride? Buy a ticket to the Top Gun aerodrome? Take a seat in the Subsidiary of Viacom theatre and watch Fatal Attraction: the Musical, starring whoever would otherwise be in rehab at the moment as Michael Douglas and Glenn Close? Swanscombe should be converted into a land of dreams by 2021. Book your all-day passes now.
Do say: “There can never be too many magic kingdoms!”
Don’t say: “I am never going to Ebbsfleet.”
