This article contains sexual references, including but not limited to: interspecies sex, taxidermilogical sex, extraterrestrial sex and post-coital human sacrifice
There has always been sex in video games. As shocking as this revelation may be to those who have only ever played Call of Duty, Fifa or Pokémon Go, it’s the truth.
As soon as developers were able to put animated pixels on a screen, they were trying to make those pixels do rude things. In the early 1980s, for example, a publisher named Mystique released a series of “erotic” games for the Atari 2600, beginning with Burning Desire, in which you played a naked air rescue worker. From the very start, realism was important.
Later, we were treated to Sam Fox Strip Poker on the Commodore 64 and Night Trap on the Sega Mega Drive, a sort of fuzzy interactive B-movie that was deemed so shocking that it became the subject of a congressional hearing.
Since then, a library of games that portray sex and sexuality with something approaching good taste has emerged. But how many can we call erotically charged?
To find out, the Guardian games writers Kate Gray and Holly Nielsen spent a whole day re-playing and discussing video game sex scenes. In their pyjamas. Here are the transcripts of this ill-advised endeavour.
Sera’s scene, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Impulsive elfin archer Sera is a companion character in Bioware’s fantasy role-playing adventure. Pursue the relationship correctly and you’re rewarded with this scene...
Holly: Let’s be honest, sex in games is rarely super sexy sex. But occasionally it gets close.
Kate: It’s mostly moaning sounds and really solid bosoms. Unlike real life – am I right?
Holly: If I see one more fade to black then suddenly NAKED …
Kate: … you mean in games, of course?
Holly: …
Kate: Oh. OK. Let’s talk about Dragon Age.
Holly: Right, this is a personal favourite of mine. Often games fall into the whole “ooh, this is so passionate and therefore serious” convention that we recognise from Hollywood movies, but Sera’s scene in Inquisition reminds us that sex can occasionally be silly and fun.
Kate: The best bit about this is how dorky it is. You get to see your character and Sera interacting in this really human way, in that they’re both making dumb jokes and being a bit awkward and then they end up screwing anyway. Although it’s stiffly animated, it shows the intimacy of a good friendship.
Holly: The fact your character shaves something rude into her pubes to make Sera laugh and you both end up giggling yourselves off the bed is adorable.
Kate: We’ve all been there. Once I tried to shave someone’s entire name into mine, but I ran out of space …
Holly: I’m sure Jonathan Augustus Maximilian Rufus Anderson would have been impressed you tried though.
Kate: OK, let’s move on.
Sims 2
EA’s life sim allows players to build a house then populate it with AI characters who can be “persuaded” to fall in love and make out with each other.
Kate: In Sims 2, all it takes to bone someone is to invite them to cuddle and it just goes from there – which isn’t necessarily realistic.
Holly: Sims has been the sexual frustration stress ball for many a pre-teen. It’s the first game a lot of people play that explicitly has a whole load of boning in it. More importantly it’s boning that you control. Well, you don’t control the mechanics of it – that all happens under the covers.
Kate: Or in a hot tub. Or a changing room. But yes, the weirdest thing about Sims sex is that you’re kind of the sex director. You created these people, and you have manipulated them into a sexy situation. And, nine times out of 10, in your head, those people just happen to be you and the person you’re crushing on in real-life. And then you watch them roll around under a thin sheet, and blush furiously, imagining that one of the lumps of polygons is you.
Holly: It’s all very quick as well. A jump under the sheets, a few literal pyrotechnics, and wham, bam, you’re done. Also, let’s not forget the creepy baby noise that plays when you conceive.
Kate: Imagine if that happened in reality. You’re enjoying a post-coital cuddle and then suddenly a green diamond appears above you and a little lullaby twinkle plays. As you lie in your own juices.
Holly: Yes, it’s truly... wait, what?!
Kate: One time I deleted the bed, because deleting Sims was the way to make them happy again (also horrific) – but there was a glitch and it didn’t actually delete the Sims – just the bed. All that was left on screen were two blobby conjoined naked humans writhing around in ecstasy. Or was it pain? Anyway, I never had sex again.
Fable 2
The critically acclaimed fantasy adventure from Lionhead is filled with salacious humour and focuses heavily on romance and relationships.
Holly: The sex in Fable is in keeping with the general humour of the game. It’s all fade to black and “Ohhh, very saucy, my love” in a West Country accent.
Kate: I am prepared to believe this is an accurate representation of dating someone from the West Country.
Holly: Fable II is also a game in which there are condoms buried in the ground... That your dog digs up... And then you use them. Top marks for including prophylactics though.
Kate: You can also have group sex and romance people by farting at them until they love you.
Holly: This immediately feels like a good time to move on.
The Garrus romance scene, Mass Effect 2
In Bioware’s sci-fi adventure series, lead character Commander Shepard (who can be male or female) must save humanity from the evil Reaper force, while also romancing members of his/her crew, including the avian reptilian insectoid alien, Garrus Vakarian.
Kate: You start off in life being all like, “ugh, I would never want to have sex with a beetle”… and then you meet Garrus.
Holly: If you play Mass Effect and don’t fall in love with this insect/cat hybrid then I have no respect for you. I adore him.
Kate: I’m just not sure what the logistics of bumping uglies with aliens are. I mean, he could have an ovipositor or something. Do you just jam whatever he’s packing in whatever hole you can find and hope that it’s fun for everyone? What if he’s got a duck penis and it’s all weird like a corkscrew?
Holly: Bioware obviously had no idea either. Although you have a chat with the local doctor about the logistics when it comes to shagging the less directly anthropomorphic aliens, Bioware’s writers just kinda go, “errr I dunno. FADE TO BLACK”. But the awkwardness and the unknown are what makes this so endearing.
Kate: Honestly, I think all video games really struggle with the, uh, physicality of sex – whether the penis is alien or not. The whole “fade to black” thing is a way around it, because the games that don’t fade to black have all this … dry thrusting going on. And you just … part of you knows that everyone’s smooth like a Ken doll down there.
Holly: Whatever the fade to black conjures up in our seedy little brains is bound to be a hundred times better than what graphics technology can realistically render on screen. Especially in Mass Effect 2. Anyway, the appeal of this scene is in the way he brings wine and puts on music in an attempt to make things nice; it’s in his obvious nervousness and the way he eventually lets his guard down. Bravo Bioware, I’m cool with not seeing anything explicit if the run-up is as adorable as this. Which brings us nicely to …
The unicorn sex scene, The Witcher 3
The third title in the open-world fantasy adventure series follows monster killer Geralt of Rivia as he pulverises mega beasts and flirts with female allies Yennifer of Vengerberg and Triss Merrigold.
Holly: You can’t talk about sex scenes in games and not include the infamous Witcher 3 unicorn moment.
Kate: I’m a little bit in love with Yennefer. She’s got that Elizabeth Taylor violet eyes thing going on, she’s kind of mean but I love it. She’s got a great sense of humour and I think she matches up well with Geralt. Also I love Geralt and I want the best for him. Yennefer is the best.
Holly: I agree. I’m sorry Triss fans, but her voice is just too damn annoying.
Kate: So anyway, in this scene, you and Yen are necking on a chair or something and then she coyly looks to the side … and beckons you over to her life-size stuffed unicorn. There’s nothing hotter than fantastical taxidermy.
Holly: I love the implied history between the two of them. Geralt is just like, “oh for God’s sake, not the unicorn again”. In any long-term relationship, haven’t we all thought that?
Kate: But like with the Sera scene, there’s this sense of intimacy. That’s the key to effective video game sex: good writing, good characters.
Holly: This definitely isn’t their first naked unicorn rodeo, but that doesn’t make it any less hot. They obviously know each other, know what each other like, and can get to business despite the awkward positioning on the back of a mythological horse.
Kate: OK, it’s getting hot in here, so let’s cool off with some bad video game sex.
The Heavy Rain quick-time sex scene
In this brooding psychological horror game from Quantic Dreams, desperate father Ethan Mars must save his kidnapped son from a deranged murderer – with help from photojournalist Madison Paige. But it’s not all death, death, death...
Holly: I hate this scene so much. There is no room for quick-time events in sex.
Kate: It kills the mood when there’s all this moaning and nudity and suddenly the game is going “Press X to take off shirt. R2 to circle nipple. Flick control stick upwards to initiate coital pleasure.”
Holly: The only way I’d ever be up for quick-time sex is if it got funny when you failed one. Like, if you miss a button prompt, Ethan prematurely ejaculates in his pants or Madison does a little fanny fart.
Kate: That’s a totally different kind of game, I think.
Holly: A game I’d rather play than Heavy Rain. Even ignoring the silly button presses the entire setup is stilted. That whole ‘sure, it’s an inappropriate moment but we just need to shag’ set-up can work. But here, she asks if he’s OK and he’s like “I just killed a guy and my son’s probably been kidnapped by a serial killer – let’s do it”. The writing is so awkward and clunky.
Kate: It feels so gratuitous. Sure, sometimes people shag at weird times. Emotions run high, clothes come off, and before you know it, you’re bonking at a funeral. It happens. But with games, it can feel like the developer didn’t think their narrative was interesting or mature enough without a sex scene. Sex should be organic – and I don’t mean in a Whole Foods kind of way.
Far Cry 3: the sex and death ending
Ubisoft’s action blockbuster has player-character Jason Brody attempting to escape an island crawling with ruthless pirates, while also flirting with an indigenous tribe of sexy drug addicts.
Kate: So, when we decided to write this, we did a lot of – ahem – research. This mostly consisted of watching the relevant sex scenes in a busy-ish cafe and saying “Oh my” a lot. But we also looked up what other people liked in a video game sex scene, and this was one popped up over and over again. And, quite frankly, we’re a little baffled by that. We assume these ‘best video game sex’ lists are usually written by guys, but you have to be especially naive to think that good sex ends with bleeding out on a sacrificial altar.
Holly: It’s an odd one. I guess maybe because it’s kind of like very weird point-of-view porn. It’s all thrusting and grunting and the lady saying very ominous things about passing on your seed. Then she stabs you post-ejaculation. Although to be fair, she also calls you “perfection” so it’s swings and roundabouts.
Kate: We haven’t had any other first-person bone-’em-ups have we? I guess that’s what makes this one so, uh, hot?
Holly: If your kink is impregnating someone then being stabbed in the chest, then this game definitely ticks all your boxes.
Kate: That would make quite a marketing quote.
Holly: Thank you. Anyway, I can’t deny that it’s certainly intense.
Kate: It feels like an interesting piece of trickery by the developers - like a trap. If you let yourself be seduced, it pulls the rug from under your feet and goes “ahahaaaaa, sex is bad, you idiot!”
Holly: Yeah, it’s a potentially interesting way of taking agency out of the player’s hands, but it’s not going on my personal “sexiest sex” list.
Kate: I’ve seen that list. It’s filthy. I’m on it.
Sex and the ceiling in Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
The historical assassination adventure has hooded killer Ezio Auditore da Firenze traversing the crowded streets and rooftops of 16th century Rome, while occasionally taking a break to ‘fare l’amore’, as our Italian cousins put it.
Kate: So Ezio takes off all his clothes, tosses his hidden blade on the floor with a surprising amount of carelessness (“that’s a priceless antique you clumsy jerk”) and then climbs into the tub. Saucy. Then a lady comes in, I forget who she is, and you bonk. It’s … weirdly long.
Holly: Made even longer by loading screens, which is such a mood killer. Also, how is she riding him while still wearing pants? This seems to happen in quite a few games. Thrusting, grinding and moaning are all fine but heaven forbid we see actual genitalia. Although I suppose accurate wang modelling is not the best use of resources.
Kate: I think what was weird about this one was the total lack of communication. There’s no sense of intimacy or foreplay, it’s just: trousers off, sex, done. And then the roof explodes. I guess we’ve all been there.
Holly: I’m all for the lady taking charge, but Ezio seems to do very little. Come on, I know you’re tired from running along rooftops all day but at least go on top for a bit.
Kate: In The Witcher they actually mix up the positions. Ezio just starfishes his way through this one, and that’s so boring.
X-MAN – pixel sex apocalypse
One of the erotic masterpieces from software publisher Mystique, which very much put the “Arrrrrgh” into Atari.
Holly: This one is … how do we put it? Ah yes, repulsive. X-Man has nothing to do with the Marvel series, but is instead a wildly offensive game released in 1983 on the Atari 2600. You play as a horny guy who has to navigate to the centre of a maze without being emasculated by a pair of scissors – or a crab. If you make it, you have unconvincing doggy sex with some pixels.
Kate: It’s like Pac-Man, but with penetration. The box art has a woman squidging up her cleavage, which in typical Atari fashion has very little to do with what actually happens on screen. The woman in the game has nipples that flash on and off and she turns blue-green when she orgasms. It’s pretty hot. It’s not accurate, but it’s hot.
Holly: So basically, your reward for completing a rudimentary maze is to watch one set of pixels slowly penetrating another. It’s like a Freudian sex nightmare set in the 1982 Disney movie Tron.
Kate: And that’s why this is our favourite sex scene in video games.
Holly: Can I go home now? I feel weird.
