Name: Merlot.

Age: Just over 300 years old.

Profile: Soft, fruity and elegant.

I hate merlot. Pardon me?

I hate it. Nobody drinks merlot any more, you limp hack. Merlot is the idiot’s choice of wine. Well, actually, I’ve got some news for you.

Didn’t you see Sideways? Everyone hates merlot. I’m well aware of Sideways, and the intense hatred that Paul Giamatti’s character had for merlot, especially the line: “If anyone orders merlot, I’m leaving. I am not drinking any fucking merlot.”

So you know that Sideways caused merlot sales to crater, then. I know that it caused merlot sales to crater … until now.

Oh no. Are you joking? Deadly serious. Merlot is making a comeback in the US. Luxury merlot sales are up 5% on last year, and drinkers of all ages have named it as their favourite red wine.

But why? Giamatti’s character was a wine expert! Why is nobody listening to him any more? It’s hard to say, but I’d wager that it might be because he is a fictional character from a 13-year-old film, and less of a wine expert than a juvenile elitist obsessive who clung to wine because his own intrinsic character flaws had already wrecked everything else in his life beyond repair.

Still, though. Merlot. Yuck. It’s not yuck, though, is it? Giamatti’s character hated merlot precisely because it was so easy to drink. He wasn’t making a comment on the quality of merlot, but his own antagonistic contrarian tendencies. Have you been avoiding merlot all these years simply because a desperate and sad character from a film happened to project all his insecurities on it?

Apparently so. Well, stop it. There are loads of nice merlots out there. In fact, October just happens to be International Merlot Month. There’s even a hashtag – #MerlotMe – devoted to discussions of your favourite merlots.

Hold on. So all this sudden talk of merlot is all because the merlot marketing board has come up with a new hashtag? No, it’s because merlots are soft and fruity and easy to drink and popular and … wait, no, you’re right. I’m just a shill to Big Merlot.

Giamatti was right! I know. I should never disagree with tragic characters from films I’d comepletely forgotten about.

Do say: “Fancy a nice glass of merlot?”

Don’t say: “I prefer my drinks more complicated. Do you have some petrol in a mug?”