Screen Get Out
Want to make that awkward moment when a sibling brings a partner home for Christmas for the first time even more cringe-inducing? Stream Get Out on a widescreen TV, stir all cups of tea very loudly while staring, and repeatedly ask if they know where their car keys are. Job done.
Lie about all-female remakes of old classics
Tell your dad they’re remaking Only Fools and Horses – with women playing Del Boy and Rodney – and deleting the old episodes. By the time he realises it’s all a lie, you’ll have sneaked out to the local pub. Warning: don’t do this if your father has a heart condition. The all-female Ghostbusters nearly killed him, and he still doesn’t know about Ocean’s 8.
Just go on holiday
Say you need to spend the holidays in Bali for “Instagram content”. Parents don’t know what Instagram OR content is, and therefore won’t have a problem with it.
Pretend you’ve run out of biscuits
To really freak your mum out shout, “We’ve run out of biscuits!” and head to the shop. All mums fear running out of biscuits. They’ve been buying and hiding them in a secret cupboard where your dad can’t get to them since September. They’ve been hoarding 392 boxes of the fancier ones “just in case”. Actually, for her health, maybe just say you’re popping to the shops.
Pop The Handmaid’s Tale on
Mums love book adaptations on the telly, especially ones that feature A-list actors in fetching bonnets. So why not gather all your loved ones around the biggest flat-screen TV you can find to watch dystopian documentary The Handmaid’s Tale? By the end of the first dead-eyed sex “ceremony”, everyone will mysteriously find reasons not to be in the same room or make eye contact with another family member for at least two hours. And nothing says “Christmas spirit” more than a blinding or a stoning.
Get a food allergy
Develop a potentially fatal allergy to a specific part of Christmas day – roast potatoes, or short tempers, or wrapping paper, or the colour red – and go to A&E. It doesn’t matter if your family thinks it’s fake. Your dad secretly suspects his sister’s gluten intolerance and your cousin’s veganism are also made up, and he gets much more angry about those, so it’s perfect really.
Walk the Nile
Claim that you’ve got to walk the length of the Nile by foot after being inspired by all horny mums’ Sunday night crush Levison Wood, or Major Levison James Wood FRGS to give him his full title. Yes, he walked the Nile and then the Himalayas for his Channel 4 documentaries and bestselling books, but in doing so he also avoided those festive staples: leftover turkey sandwiches, pints of Baileys and yet another conversation with each parent separately about how houses cost 6p in the 70s and everyone bought one aged 18 and why aren’t you doing the same?
Vape
Take up vaping, and pick an obscure flavour for your vape stick: “Strawberry Hubba Bubba”, “Unicorn Breath”, or “three-day-old gym kit left in the boot of your car”. The choice is yours. It’s both an excuse to step outside your family home – where the central heating is constantly at 32C – and a guaranteed way to spend some time alone, as everyone will be too embarrassed/ disgusted to stand next to you.
Re-enact Christmas specials
The Vicar of Dibley Christmas special is not on Netflix. So hire the cast and crew to turn up at your house and act the whole thing out like a play. It should cost under £20k and the lines will probably be fresh in the actors’ minds from 21 years ago, so it’s perfect. There: you’ve bought yourself a sweet, sweet hour of peace to browse Facebook and look at everyone else’s equally boring Christmas Days.
Buy inappropriate gifts for family members
Gift your cousin the Fifty Shades Of Grey board game, and wink at them as they unwrap it. By the time they’ve taken the handcuffs, the cable ties and the key to the Red Room out of the box, things will get pretty awkward. Suddenly, Christmas is cancelled.
