The online outrage cycle comes at you fast. One minute, for example, everyone is laughing about an adorable viral video of a rat showering like a human and the next minute you are a horrible person for sharing the video because it turns out the rat is not really showering.
No, actually, the rat is in terrible pain because (it would appear) a DJ from Peru covered it in soap so he could go viral on YouTube. And then, as if your faith in the world hadn’t already plummeted to new lows, rodent experts start weighing in to inform you that it’s not even a rat in the video, it’s a pacarana, which means that you’re not just a terrible person for sharing the video, you’re a terrible person who can’t even get your rodents right.
And then the hot takes start, explaining how the rat/pacarana mix-up demonstrates America’s wildly rat-normative view of rodents and is a metaphor for why Trump won.
It’s exhausting. But it’s also the world we live in; outrage has become ingrained in the economy and it’s basically impossible to opt out. After all, if you don’t get outraged every five minutes on the internet how are people going to know that you’re woke? How will you be able to communicate to people that you are a good person? A much, much better person than the ignorant masses who think a poor pacarana trying to rub soap off its body is cute!
No, if you don’t express the right levels of self-righteousness about the controversy of the moment then, let’s face, it you’re basically irrelevant and probably a racist.
But, like I said, keeping up with super-speed outrage cycle can be exhausting; so, I’m going to help you out. I’ve summed up the week in internet indignation so you can adjust your anger levels accordingly. Enjoy!
The blasphemy of Christians doing hot yoga
“It’s kind of amazing to see all of the Christians who think nothing of going to a yoga class,” said a rightwing writer called Matt Walsh on Twitter this week. “There are many excellent ways to get in shape that do not involve participating in Hindu worship.”
Walsh did not restrict this hottest of takes to Twitter, he actually wrote a whole article about it on the Daily Wire, a conservative news blog. As it turns out not even the sort of crazed rightwingers who read the Daily Wire thought Walsh’s opinion was valid and the outrage cycle fizzed out before it picked up any momentum. Sad!
Is your skincare routine an affront to feminism?
The average skincare regime has gotten insanely complicated. For example, every morning I go outside at exactly 4.37am so that the morning dew can nourish my pores; the dew after 4.50 am isn’t as antioxidant-rich. After that I apply a bee venom face mask before applying a $900 serum before applying a $1,400 moisturizer. I know that sounds expensive but you only need to use a little bit so actually these products end up saving you money!
My totally genuine skincare regime may seem complicated, but it’s nothing compared with most people’s. Prestige skincare reached $5.6bn in sales in the US in 2017, a 9% increase over 2016, according to the NPD group this week.
In response to this trend, the Outline published an article about how modern skincare is a capitalist con and how your eye-wateringly expensive skin serum is probably just snake oil in a pretty package covered in pseudo-science. Buying into the “New Skincare”, the article suggested, is frivolous and all thinking women should be ashamed of all the products in their bathroom.
The internet apparently has a lot of products in its bathroom because it promptly went into a full-on meltdown. A wave of articles were published on “why dismissing skincare as a dangerous scam is condescending to women”. Sneering at skincare, a lot of people argued, is anti-feminist; skincare can be an important part of self-care.
If you’re starting to worry about whether your collection of face creams is politically correct or not, let me assure you that I believe we’ve now reached the tail-end of the skincare outrage cycle. So you can get back your moisturizer in peace.
Olive Garden’s cultural crisis
Olive Garden has started serving “Italian nachos” and some people are very upset that the chain, known for its culinary authenticity, is betraying its Italian heritage in this way. Nacho purists, on the other hand, are upset that Olive Garden is passing off deep-fried lasagna as “nachos”; it sullies the good name of a distinguished dish.
Other people are arguing that the ancient Romans were actually the original inventors of Italian nachos. It’s all highly controversial, but I’m confident the outrage will be short-lived. As the old Italian adage goes: “there’s no crisis melted cheese can’t solve.”
- Arwa Mahdawi is a contributing opinion writer for the Guardian US
