Danny Boyle is not only involved in writing the script for the next (25th) James Bond film, he’s also rumoured to be directing it, and has hinted that any Bond girl would reflect the #MeToo movement. Which sounds tricky. I’m looking forward to the seduction scene where Bond and his amour discuss the issue of consent, sign forms, stating clearly which sexual activities are permissible, and then discard their matching hipster dungarees to make wild, passionate, mutually respectful love.

I’m not mocking #MeToo; I’m mocking the idea of a woke Bond. Bond isn’t just a character any more: he’s a construct, verging on a subculture, a spy-themed homage to the vanishing world of “man’s man” wish fulfilment, where tuxedo-clad heroes womanise and shoot people, and female characters primarily exist to look sexy and impressed, albeit in a “fierce”, “challenging” kind of way.

As recently as 2012’s Skyfall, there was the infamous scene where a woman with a glass of whisky resting on her head was shot dead and Daniel Craig’s Bond quipped: “Waste of good scotch.” (Thanks, director Sam Mendes, sterling work.) While Boyle may not think like that, the (ultra-masculinist) Bond culture does. Good luck messing with that formula, Danny Boyle.

• Barbara Ellen is an Observer columnist