“Let me begin by stating the obvious,” writes Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, stating the obvious. “The commentary was not written by Mr Trump. Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion.”
Cohen is objecting to an article in “your Onion”, written by “Donald Trump”, entitled: “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About Fifteen Or Twenty Years.” The year is 2013, back when the president was just a lowly top-rated television star and billionaire.
This week, the Onion lifted the lid on Cohen’s previously unknown email in a piece on their site, headlined: “The Onion Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience.”
“We believe the removal of the piece in exchange for influence over the president’s decision-making constitutes a more than reasonable deal,” they announced. “And we implore Mr Cohen to meet with us without delay.”
It’s unlikely he’ll be in touch. Once bitten, twice shy. In fact, Cohen seems to have come up with an ingenious response of his own: that his letter is also part of an elaborate satire.
“Maybe all of you #haters #trolls missed the memo by @TheOnion is a news ‘SATIRE’ Organization. That means … it’s not real! #GetALife,” Cohen tweeted.
This despite the Onion’s editor, David Ford, clarifying on Twitter: “I can confirm the email itself is the real deal.”
At least Cohen can take comfort in the fact that falling for satirical news stories is practically non-negotiable in the Trump White House. Sean Spicer retweeted the Onion’s “@SeanSpicer’s role in the Trump administration will be to provide the American public with robust and clearly articulated misinformation” with a cheery: “You nailed it. Period!”
Then there was Louisiana Republican congressman John Fleming. When the Onion came out with “Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex”, “a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with efficiency never before thought possible”, he ranted about it on his Facebook page. Despite – or because of – his cluelessness, Fleming is now the deputy assistant secretary for health information technology reform in the Trump administration.
Cohen should also be told that Trump’s British Apprentice analogue, Lord Alan Sugar, is not immune. “Eh I don’t get this. Can someone explain is she making a statement or what?” he queried, sharing a piece titled “Taylor Swift grateful Kanye West Controversy Taking Heat Off New Swastika Tattoo.” The levels of misapprehension involved here are truly an onion to be peeled, layer by layer.
Despite often claiming they invented satire, Brits are no better. This week, Sky News journalist Jon Craig was forced to humble himself before ex-London mayor Ken Livingstone. It seemed that he’d reported that Livingstone, at the centre of an antisemitism controversy, had once owned a pet newt called Adolf. The source? Satirical website the Daily Mash. Fake newts.
In truth, the annals are long, and the victims are just as often on the left side of the aisle – both Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow have been caught out for not knowing what ClickHole is – along with China’s state newspaper, Iran’s official news agency, Russell Crowe and this hilariously auto-satirical rebuttal by the volcanic Stephen A Smith. Pride often flickers faster than reason kicks in.
No one is innocent. But no one is that guilty. The problem is more that we are fast approaching some kind of singularity. A broadening of the event described in the internet epigram, Poe’s law: “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is utterly impossible to parody a Creationist in such a way that someone won’t mistake for the genuine article.”
Compare the Sugar version to a widely circulated piece of fake news from last year: “Taylor Swift SHOCKS Music Industry: ‘I voted for Trump’,” mix in the fact that Cohen is muddying the waters over whether he even wrote the letter, and the fact that genuine flat-earthers have mushroomed suddenly, seemingly in response to the increase in flat-earther parodies.
What we’re reaching is a news-satire singularity. A world where satire is not so much dead as unidentifiable – requiring preservation in glass cases, in proper marbled museums, where people can chortle appropriately at it in clean, well-lit surrounds.