Name: Phone call.

Er… Hello? Hello.

Hello! Hello!

What the hell is this? This is a phone call.

Really? Why, what’s wrong? Is there an emergency? Well, no. Apart from, you know, the coronavirus emergency.

Well, can’t you just send a text? Or an email? Because it’s good to talk. Especially now that everyone’s supposed to be confined to their own home.

Since when has it been good to talk on the phone? Ask properly, the Pass notes way.

Sorry. Age: 144 years. The first telephone call was made by the Scottish inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell, on 10 March 1876.

Was it to his grandmother, to thank her for the birthday book token? No, to his assistant, Thomas Watson, who was in another room.

And what did Alexander say to Thomas? He said: “Mr Watson, come here – I want to see you.”

Ah, that’s beautiful. I see what you mean about it being good to talk. It was just a demonstration, to show it was possible to do what Bell described as “talk with electricity”. Other conversations are available and have been had since. Back in the day, everyone used to spend hours and hours nattering away on the old dog and bone.

Yeah, but no one does it any more. We text. Often in groups – like written banter. It’s almost like being out. Does it have that personal closeness you get with a proper phone call?

OK, so there’s FaceTime, WhatsApp video calls, Skype and the rest. They’re better still because you get to see the person you’re talking to. True. And, again, they are undeniably brilliant. But there’s a performance involved, distractions, people coming and going. If you want to actually say something to someone, just call them. Nothing beats the reassuring intimacy of a human voice straight into the ear.

What are you wearing? I’m not ... NO! Not like THAT! (Although that is also possible). I’m talking about the importance of conversation. And with social distancing …

Of course, that’s why you called. It’s just about the nicest way of staying connected.

Impossible to deny, it has been fun. Now pick up the phone, call someone else. Sing to them if you like.

Really? What should I sing? Well, there’s a certain Stevie Wonder song I can think of. A bit of Blondie, maybe. ELO…

Anything more recent? Or you could just talk.

Do say: “Mum, it’s just me, nothing important. Checking in, calling for a chat.”

Don’t say: “Everyone’s going down the pub. Last one there gets the drinks in.”